All In

Starting with Nothing

2012-02-26T18:34:00.000-08:00

We spent those weeks after court doing 2 things:

1. Chasing paperwork. Waiting. Waiting. And Waiting. Verbal court ruling. Written court ruling. Passports for the kids (which took 2 weeks). Visa interviews with the US Embassy (without visas our kids couldn't enter the US). Picking up visas.

2. Figuring out what the heck we were doing as parents.

I think the most difficult thing about becoming parents to 4 "older" children, was that we were starting from nothing. When you start with a baby, you get to make up the rules for a toddler first. You figure out what is a good bedtime and what toys are allowed to be used where and which foods they must eat vs which foods they can choose to eat. You have time to slowly figure out what responses and punishments are most effective. If you adopt an older child after having done the baby thing before, you can add the new child into your pre-formed structure. Now that doesn't mean this is easy, regardless of which way you go about things. But because we had no idea what we were doing, we were making up rules and changing the rules daily. Heck, things were changing hourly. I remember coming out from a shower or something, trading off with Josh, and asking "what new rules or anything do I need to know about?"

One day Josh told the kids after lunch that they could go outside and play or they could choose to take a rest (nap). But if they came inside, that child would then need to stay inside and take a rest. Obviously they chose to go outside. I remember telling Josh "you are a genius!" And I meant it! Thinking up something like that was huge! Josh proceeded to take the kids a tiny little snack every 1/2 hour. They would use these little bits of food to play kitchen (like playing house). They were happy. We were happy. It was awesome!

Not THE Dress Mommy!!!

2012-02-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

We had such a short amount of time to prepare for our travels. I hadn't prepared our clothes for court in advance. I found "the" pink dresses for the girls but I couldn't find something appropriate for myself and we were running out of time. Finally I decided to take a dress that I rarely wore and cut it and sew in some elastic to make a skirt. But I didn't realize that the dress was in the photos that I had sent ahead to the kids. When the day for court finally rolled around, I took out my newly crafted skirt and JoAni was horrified. Not THE dress mommy!!!

The Big Day

2012-02-04T20:38:00.001-08:00

October 21, 2011 was our day. It was our court date. For over a week, the girls had been asking if today was THE day when they would get to wear their pink dresses. We got dressed. I put little pink headbands on the girls. Sylvia's shoes were much too big and she had to stuff them with some toilet paper to keep them on. JoAni's shoes were pretty tight but they did fit (by the time we would head back to the States 4 weeks later, you could barely pry them on). Ryan's size 3T pants would barely stay on even when Josh rolled the waste band down 2 times. He also rolled up Ryan's pant legs. The girls were absolutely glowing.

I have heard of SO many court dates getting rescheduled. We had been warned that sometimes you would show up and wait all day only to find out that the judge wasn't going to be in that day. When a court date gets rescheduled, you don't get your new date right away. You get it when you get it. In the meantime you sit in limbo. So we were thrilled when we arrived at court and an hour or so later were informed that the judge had been seen in the building. Our attorney came to us at one point after 2 or 3 hours of waiting and asked us to not get impatient or give up and that we just needed to wait. We told her that we would happily wait until 8pm if it meant our case being heard that day.

We learned that our children's grandmother and aunt had arrived. The village elder and another woman from the community also came to testify. The kids were very excited to hear that they were there. It felt wrong to try and keep them apart. So we went to find them. They were all so happy to see each other. We got out their crayons and they showed the pictures that they had drawn. I had put together a little photo book which included pictures of our family and house back home that was to be given to the judge. The girls were so very excited to show their grandmother and all the others.

I had packed a couple little packages of cookies in my backpack. It was lunch time, we were still waiting, and we were all hungry. So I broke out the cookies but I felt nervous the whole time, thinking that someone would see us sharing cookies with the kids' family and think that I was trying to bribe the family, as if 2 little cookies per person would bribe a person to give up a child. Ethics in adoption is a big deal and so you have to be very careful, but looking back on it now I feel pretty confident that those cookies didn't cross the line.

After about 4 hours of waiting, we were called into the court room. When we entered, another family's case was in the process of being heard. The judge called the adopting mom forward. He asked her many questions. The couple already had one adopted child and they were in the process of adopting 2 siblings. When he asked her if they wanted biological kids, she replied that they didn't know yet. Her answer was not very clear and kind of bounced around. Right away I could feel that the judge didn't like her answer. I don't think he was looking for a yes or no. I just think he was trying to get a picture of what the situation was and didn't appreciate a vague answer when he was trying to determine if they were suitable parents for these two children.

We sat waiting for a good hour before our case was heard. The room was very hot and insanely humid. Sarah sat on my lap. Ryan sat on Josh's lap to the left of me. Sylvia and JoAni shared a chair to my left. Somehow they understood the importance of that day. At one point the kids had to pee. I was rather proud of myself for herding them in and out of the courtroom as quickly and quietly as 4 young children are capable.

The judge questioned the aunt, he called the village elder, and the woman from the community. 75% of the case took place in Lugandan. The whole time I was bracing for the moment when he would call me and question me like the prior adopting mom. It never happened. I would like to think that he saw how well we were getting along with the kids and how they looked well cared for. Then came the grandmother. She was moaning, wincing, and even howling as three people carried her into the room. It's hard to explain what I witnessed. It was clear that she was in support of this adoption. It was clear that she was speaking clearly and telling the judge exactly what she thought, no holding back. When he was done questioning her, he said something and she did a little victory arm shake up in the air. Clearly she felt that it went well. The judge told us that he would give a decision in a week.

After all was said and done we packed up and headed out. Our coordinator told us that he thought it went well. JoAni looked up at us and said "we go to America?" She was so hopeful. I felt horrible that she thought it was done, that she thought it was over, and that it would be that easy. Over the next week or so, I managed to communicate to her that we needed a yes from the judge and a yes from the US embassy in order to go to the States. It was difficult to be honest and help her know what to expect, without scaring her with the idea that it could fall apart. How do explain something so complicated with so much at stake to a kid?

Let's Not Sugar Coat It

2012-02-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

Prior to going to Uganda, our agency gave us a piece of advice. I think it was on a conference call with a larger group. They advised us to focus on the positive. To journal about the good things. To write home about the good things.

I have read a very large number of blogs over the years about adoption. The greatest conflict that I have in my mind about blogging is that I want to respect our kids' privacy. But at the very same time I have come to the realization that the large majority of blogs out there provide a severely, dramatically, and extensively edited picture. I still want to respect our kids' privacy. But I hope to find a balance between that and sugar coating it. I want to be real in an appropriate way.

So here is what is real: That first week that we had the kids was hard. It was really, really, really hard. We were still very sick. We felt isolated in that we were at a guest house where we were the only muzungus. No one else shared our culture. No one else understood the strain of adoption. Don't get me wrong, they were nice, but it's different, we were different. The kids wanted our attention 24/7. I mean literally 24/7 unless they were sleeping. Once we finally had the kids in bed, we would practically stare off into space while sitting on the couch. That or we would scramble to get things done in order to prepare for the next day. I remember talking with my parents via email and they asked if the kids ever played on their own without demanding our attention. I think in the first few days to maybe even a week, we had 30 minutes where they played on their own. We took shifts trading off being with the kids while the other person just crashed. I remember laying down and just crying and crying and crying. I was so very overwhelmed. I was so very exhausted to an extreme I had never known before. I felt alone. You see while Josh and I were on the same page and working together as a team, we barely saw each other. We were almost always within 50 feet of each other, but not interacting directly. It was like a marathon relay race.

Yes, we asked for all this. Yes, we knew what we were signing on for. Yes, we were (and are) happy. But I can't even begin to explain the extremes that we felt that first week.

Lotion and Laughing

2012-02-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Tuesday, October 24, 2011.

Tonight the kids were watching Finding Nemo and I came out with my lotion to put on my legs. All of a sudden they all turned away from their beloved Nemo and started rubbing lotion into my legs. They were laughing and having such fun. Finally my skin could absorb no more and so I told them to rub what was on their hands into their own skin. They wanted more lotion so soon I was dabbing it on each kid as they exclaimed "here! here! here!" as they pointed to their legs, arms, cheeks, noses, or any other inch of exposed skin that they could think to moisturize. They were having such fun. Soon it was time for bed and I sang Jesus Loves Me to each one before tucking them into bed. It was a good end to the day.

20 Questions

2012-01-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Sunday, October 22, 2011.

The kids ask about America a lot, particularly JoAnita.
Is there fruit in America?
Do you have rice & beans in America?
Will you give us lotion to make us white?
Do you have banana leaves in America?
Are there children in America?
Are there beds on the plane?
Are there blankets on the plane?
Will we cook on the plane?
Is there a bathroom on the plane?
Will we bathe on the plane?
When will we go to America?

And on and on and on....

Court, Kampala, and Time to Move

2012-01-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Friday October 21, 2011

We are sitting in the courthouse waiting room right now.

This morning Sarah said "I love you so much." It was the first time any of the children said this without me saying it first. They have all called us Mommy and Daddy from day 1, but then we see someone that they know and they call him Daddy too. It is a little painful to hear this. I am pretty sure they know that I am a different kind of mommy than the mommies at the orphanage but it feels like the word being diluted.

We moved to a hotel in Kampala last night. It was much nicer but the kids say that they like the first one better. Sarah went into melt down mode last night. I think she was extremely tired and the change of location just overloaded her. I cuddled her as she cried herself to sleep. I felt bad because I so enjoyed the very hotel that upset her so much.

Written after the fact as an addition to my journal entry:

The original plan was only to stay at the hotel in Kampala for one night and return to the first one in Jinja the next day after court. Our thinking was to stay with one hotel as to avoid disrupting the kids, but when we saw that the hotel in Kampala was 2/3 the price and had luxuries like access to a washer and dryer, walking distance to a (very expensive) grocery store (which catered to "Muzungus" - a.k.a. white/foriegn people), and contact with other adopting Americans on the compound who provided tons of moral support. The kids were much happier about the move once they found out that their stuff... and their juice would be moved along with us.

A Day Together

2012-01-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Tuesday October 18, 2011

Yesterday was our first actual good day. The kids listened better. The routine of the day went better. We have learned that they do not like milk in their cereal, and that Sylvia does not like cheese.

I did individual bath time again. Ryan was last today. With each bath he would strip down and want to get in. I would have to tell him to get dressed and send him back to Josh each time. When his turn finally came, he just sat in the tub and didn't move at all. I couldn't get him to crack a smile (I would learn later that he simply didn't know how to play in the bathtub; I had to literally show him how to splash around; the key to unlocking his fun was the cap to a shaving cream container which he used to pour water over himself and the walls of the tub). Sarah was a ball of energy as always. She just loves when I spray her with the shower head. She washed herself, the tub, and the shower wall. She splashed and squealed. The only time she was not happy was when I told her that bath time was over.

There was about a 30-40 minute period in which they all played in the living room while we read in the bedroom with the door open so that we could see them. In the evening we showed them Finding Nemo which they loved. I can't wait for Ryan to see Cars 2 on the plane. He is going to love it. He is so enamored with "motor cars." It was the first day since we have been here that we were not completely and utterly exhausted.

A Little Better, A Little Worse

2012-01-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Sunday October 16, 2011

Today was better in some ways and worse in others. I did bath time one child at a time. We spent most of that time with Josh calling the other 3 back into the living room and me telling them at the same time to go back to Daddy. But it was nice to have the one-on-one time; there wasn't the fighting for space in the tub, and I think I got each of them cleaner this way.

For lunch I managed to burn soggy grilled cheese sandwiches. The kids did not seem to be familiar with cheese. After that, I washed laundry by hand with Josh entertaining the kids outside. By the time I was done, I was dripping with sweat and my knuckles were almost raw. We decided that going forward, I would wash the underwear by hand as it is the most expensive to have done and physically the easiest to wash. And we will pay to have the rest done.

Dinner was a mess. They delivered to our room even though we didn't want that. The kids got food everywhere. It is difficult to not get mad when you just worked so hard to clean their clothes and the apartment was just cleaned by the staff and any tiny crumb gets attacked by an army of ants. Oh, and when you know that you don't have a clean change of clothes for them. We were frustrated, with them, with each other, and probably with ourselves. We are both so very exhausted. Unfortunately this really unnerved the kids. This all came after us working all day to enforce some rules/standards after days of not having any.

Eating Out

2012-01-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Wednesday October 16, 2011

We finally left a 2 hour meeting with our attorney in a hot and stuffy room. We headed for the Oasis Mall for something to eat. We did not consider that this was likely the kids' first real restaurant experience (at the hotel it is really not the same). It was just a cafe but definitely a high end cafe. Meals were about $8/each. The best part was JoAnita holding the salt shaker up to Josh upside down with salt pouring out, saying "wat tiz dis." She wasn't understanding Josh's explanation so I told him to pour some in her hand thinking that she would then recognize it. He poured, then instantly all the other little hands went out. They smelled, looked, then tasted, and then stuck their hands out asking for more (at the time we thought this was because they had never seen salt before; later we would learn that it was because they love salt). Then it was off to the bathroom. I took all the kids while Josh paid the bill. There was only one toilet so naturally it was a race to see who could claim it first. Ryan tried to pee with one of the girls still sitting and with another girl trying to compete for the first girl's spot. I was standing there scolding "only one, only one!" JoAnita was first to wash her hands. She did not recognize the foaming liquid as being soap. Once the air hand dryer went on, all hand washing was over, and in 3 seconds flat all 8 little hands were under the dryer. A black woman with a British or Aussie accent just looked at me and said "well done" with a tone of confusion, admiration, and amusement all blended together.

Welcome to Parenthood

2012-01-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

After 2 days at the orphanage we asked permission to take custody of the kids. We could tell it was time as we could see it was bothering them each time we left without them. And as we worked to develop a bond with our 4, we could see that other kids were picking up on the fact that they were not getting the same kind of attention. And we felt like we were throwing off the whole routine of the orphanage. It was just time.

The car ride from the orphanage to the hotel was a short one, maybe 10 minutes max. Ryan was so wide eyed. He loves cars and was just looking all around as we drove. As we left I put little headbands on each of the girls (the elastic baby kind). I couldn't help but think that those headbands somehow symbolized the giant life change that was happening for them. As we went, I kept looking back at the 3 of them in the back row. Each time I did I would get big smiles. When we arrived at the hotel, I lifted Ryan out of the car. As I stood there waiting for everyone else to get out of the car, Ryan's head starting darting all around. He was trying to check out every new sound all at once. I slowly turned in a circle in order to let him take it all in.

That morning we had moved from our hotel room to a one bedroom apartment within the same guest house. We got into the apartment and I showed them around. They were most interested by their new underwear. We had to open all 4 packages immediately. Ryan then carried his around for the next 20 minutes or so until something else became more interesting. I wish I could remember what that more interesting thing was.

We got everyone tucked into bed. The one bedroom came furnished with one full size bed for Josh and me with a second one for the kids. All was well. Then about 3 hours later, Josh and I woke up puking our guts out. The bathroom was connected to the bedroom. Due to the extreme humidity in Uganda, there is often a little window above an interior door which is left open (no glass or such at all) in order to promote airflow. This was the case where we were living which meant that Josh could be heard loud and clear. He was so very sick that it sounded like he was yelling as he hurled every ounce he had eaten that past week (sorry honey, but I'm setting the scene here). I wanted to puke but couldn't which was fortunate given that we had only the one bathroom. All I could do was lay in bed praying over and over again, "please don't let the kids wake up please." All I could think was that our kids were going to wake up and think that their new parents were dying. Thankfully they did sleep through all the noise.

Neither of us really slept after all of that. We had just barely started to get past the jet lag prior to this so we were already functioning on a pretty hefty sleep deficit. The next morning we were still feeling miserable. I think it was about 3-5 days before we really ate any significant amounts. That first full day together, we traded off with the kids. One of us would go pass out while the other would prop up on the couch handing out coloring book pages and forcing a smile when being shown someone's work.

During my turn to crash, I had my ear plugs in and eye mask on in hopes of actually getting a little sleep. I had been laying there a little while. I was too miserable to actually sleep but was enjoying not having to keep my eyes open when I heard a sound that I was completely unfamiliar with. It sounded like "mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mum mummy mummy mum." I didn't recognize it so I figured it was just one of the many unfamiliar sounds of Africa (like multiple roosters competing to wake us up in the morning or cows mooing from all directions or giant African raindrops) that I was trying to get used to. I assumed it would go away. Nope, the sound continued as if on a loop. Finally I rolled over and removed my eye mask. Sure enough, there was little Sarah not more than 3 feet away from me. She had one of my extra ear plugs in her hand and was motioning to me that she wanted to put it in her own ear. At that moment, I didn't see the humor in this as I just didn't have enough energy to do so but looking back on it now it was pretty funny.

Later that day, I mustered up the energy to give the kids a bath. First I put Ryan and Sarah into the tub. Then Sylvia wanted in. Next JoAnita was asking "may I enter." 4 Little Ugandans splashing in a tub! The shower head was the kind that can be hand held. I showed them how it worked and sprayed each of them a little. They were squealing with glee and shouting ME ME ME, as they asked me to spray them again.

After a little while the girls started telling me that Ryan was crying. He was shivering like crazy. I pulled him out of the tub and dried him off. I dressed him in shorts and a t-shirt. He continued to shiver and soon I had him in pants and a jacket. In between all of this I was finishing the girls' bath and getting them out, dried off, and dressed. I asked Josh to cuddle him up because he just couldn't seem to get warm. In our inexperience, we concluded that I had just left him in the tub too long for being so small. By the time everyone was out of the tub and dressed, I was exhausted. I handed off to Josh and went to lay down (remember that we were still battling whatever it was that had clobbered us the night before). Soon Josh brought Ryan in to lay down with me saying that he seemed to be running warm. I felt him and realized that he had a fever. Now in the States, a parent would normally give a child a Tylenol and see how he/she was in the morning. Thankfully we didn't do that and instead called our contact. She immediately told us that she was sending a driver to take us to "the hospital" (only weeks later would we come to understand the extreme seriousness of malaria and why you don't "just wait and see").

I laid there in bed with Ryan next to me. I was still miserable myself, but was far more focused on concern for Ryan. We packed up my backpack with water, granola bars, and cash given that we had no idea what to expect. There was no question in my mind, I was going to be the one to take Ryan. I was so thankful that our driver appeared at our hotel in just 15 minutes. I didn't know that you could drive anywhere in Uganda in 15 minutes between the incredibly bumpy roads and the traffic. Concern for venturing out alone did flash through my mind but I didn't have time to think about it. The girls were worried as I kissed Josh good-bye and carried Ryan downstairs to the waiting car.

As the car bumped along the road, my eyes watered with tears. All I could think was "I'm one of them, I am a woman who fears that her child might have malaria." I felt sorry for myself. I felt tragic. I was so thankful that the drive was short but as we pulled up I questioned the word choice of "hospital." Calling it a rustic clinic was more like it. It was the size of a small one story home. But this was no time to be picky. I was just thankful to have someone, anyone, who could help.

I carried Ryan out of the car and into building. We sat down on a wooden bench in the concrete hallway. Soon we were called in to be seen. In the tiny room with only a desk and a scale, the doctor took Ryan's weight and temperature. It was quite high. Soon she led me across the narrow hallway into another room. I sat down on the bed as she prepared an injection which was necessary to quickly bring down the temperature. I laid Ryan across my lap and pulled down his little pants to expose his butt cheeks. He squirmed a little. Later I would learn how deathly afraid of needles that he is. Had I known that I would have understood how extremely sick he was to only squirm at the sight of a needle. The doctor jabbed the needle deep into his soft little tushy and instantly he wrenched and screamed. He cried and I bawled. Tears poured down my face as I forced myself to hold him down harder in order to allow the doctor to finish giving him the necessary medicine. The doctor looked at me, rolled her eyes, shook her head, and finished giving Ryan the shot.

Later I realized why I got that look. I was crying because my child was sick. But I had the option to get him medical attention. I could afford to pay a driver to pick us up immediately and whisk us off to a hospital. No attempting to make it there on foot or if lucky traveling perched precariously on the back of a motorcycle. No choosing between food for my other children and medicine for my one. I was a lucky one. 2,000 children die PER DAY of malaria as their mothers watch them quickly slip away... if they are lucky enough to have a mother watch them quicky slip away.

I didn't realize that we still had a blood draw to do in order to test for malaria. My driver came and held Ryan during that part given that I couldn't even talk to him in order to comfort him. 10 minutes later it was confirmed. Soon after medication was recommended, then doled out in little baggies, and the bill written up. All of this happened back in that tiny little room with the desk. The final bill, $6. $6 to save a life. 2,000 children die per day due to a lack of access to this basic medical care.

By the time I got back to the hotel, Josh was wiped out. He went downstairs to order dinner from the restaurant. When I got the call, an hour later, that dinner was ready, Josh was sound asleep and the girls were all nodding off. I asked them to deliver the food and agreed to pay the 67 cents delivery fee. It was money well spent. We ate our dinner and piled into bed.

Days earlier we had fried our converter and as a result we were unable to charge our computer. Later we would get one but at that time our computer time was an extremely precious commodity. By the time all the kids were in bed, Josh was alseep, and I was feeling exhausted, ill, and desperate. I chose to turn on the computer and log onto Facebook. I typed as quickly as I could. I didn't take time to explain. I just typed out the minimum needed and then immediately shut down the computer. Tears streamed down my face as I sent out my SOS. It read:

Alysa Musgrave Johns
Please pray for our health. We will be okay but it has been a very rough 24 hours. We need your prayers for healing while we sleep.
LikeUnlike · · October 14 at 11:03am (which was 10pm in Uganda)

First Hug

2011-12-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

Written in my journey on Wednesday 10/12/11

I asked many times when we might see the kids. I asked our driver (as if he would know). I asked the manager at the hotel (as if he would know). But no one knew. I was hopeful to see them soon but also set in my mind that it probably would not be until the next day. We settled into our room. I busied myself by organizing our bags while Josh conked out for a nap. About an hour or two later our driver reappeared at our door and asked us if we had time to see the kids today. Ummmm...... YES!

I woke Josh up. He was completely disoriented and groggy. I had showered earlier but wanted to put on some make up. In a way this felt like a first date. I got ready just as quickly as I could.

We arrived at the orphanage and all the children (not just ours) were in a group in the front yard. We got out of the car and approached them. It was without ceremony. I said hello to our 4 and asked each for a hug. Then we just stood there and I was thinking "now what?" My day dreams of this moment had never gone past that first hug.

JoAnita's English is very good. She understood almost everything we said. Oh! We had Sarah and Sylvia backwards in the photos. I had suspected that but it still caused me to stutter every time I went to call one of them by name. Sylvia (who we had thought was Sarah in the photos) also speaks a fair amount of English. She understood all of the basics. Sarah and Ryan speak no English at all. But JoAnita is a huge help with that.

After a few minutes, I sat down on the grass. Instantly all the children were sitting too. All just looking at me. I pulled Sylvia and Sarah next to me. Ryan wouldn't make eye contact with me. JoAnita explained that he wants to leave with us. He was sad that we were not taking them with us right then (We would learn weeks later that all prior parents had taken custody on the first day. Some parents have felt overwhelmed in the past by such a quick transition and so our agency recommended that we give it a week or so before taking custody. However the kids did not know this. It had to have completely unnerved them when we said that we were there for them but then left without them twice. We took custody on the third day). We saw a guest book inside and it shows that they get lots of visitors. Ryan obviously does not feel confident that we really are going to take them with us. After a while with him on my lap, he started talking. Ryan kept saying (JoAnita translated) "I want to go in the car. I want to leave with you. I want to go now." Sarah was saying (again, JoAnita translated) "I want to go to America. I want to go to America."

We played with bubbles. We ran out of liquid within about 10 minutes. Those kids are bonkers for bubbles. I tried taking pictures but they were all mobbing me so much that most pictures had a hand right in front or something. It was completely exhausting. But we had a great time.

Finally in Uganda

2011-12-02T22:36:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Wednesday 10/12/11

I slept almost straight through the night. Thank you God for your hand upon this debilitating jet lag. I awoke to a thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. I was trying to figure out what kind of machine it was that I was hearing when I realized that it was large African raindrops falling on the metal roof of our guest house right above us.

After landing yesterday, our driver helped us make stops to exchange currency, buy a phone, buy an orange stick (air card to access the Internet), and stop for lunch. It took 5 hours to reach our hotel just outside of Jinja. Of those 5 hours, approximately 4 were spent driving. The pollution from the cars is smellable, tastable, and visible. There are black clouds emitting from everything with an engine. Cars, vans, motorcycles (more like dirt bikes), bicycles, and pedestrians all share the same space. It's an insurance adjuster's worst nightmare in action. (If you don't know this about me, I work in insurance claims. So I say this literally. All you can do to make it less frightening is not look).

On the Ground

2011-12-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

When we first landed in Entebbe, Uganda, the first thing I could think was "I would believe it if this were the location of the Garden of Eden." The landscape is so very green. I can't even explain how lush it is.

We stopped off to exchange dollars for shillings, buy an orange stick (aka air card for internet access), and buy a cell phone.

Traffic in Uganda is crazy! It make Los Angeles look like a picnic. There are no photos that could properly capture this.

Motorcycles weave through traffic carrying enormous loads. (There is a motorcycle under that giant blue box). It is common to see small children being transported on these little death traps that dart to and fro.

Women can be seen everywhere with a baby on their back and up to 50 lbs of bananas on their heads.

All along the roads are tiny little shops (1/2 the size of my cubicle). People are hustling and bustling. All you can see is hundreds of people working their butts off to make a living.

Almost There

2011-12-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

Written in my journal on Tuesday 10/11/11

After another long flight (9 hours) we are just 30 minutes from landing in Entebbe, Uganda. I have to admit that I am very nervous. At times I can literally taste the adrenaline. We have a long car ride ahead of us. I think we will get to meet our kids today. But I am trying to not be too hopeful just in case. It is hard to explain what I am feeling right now. Joy. Excitement. Fear. Nervous. Happy. Exhausted. The wide gamut of feelings seem to be netting out to a dull feeling of neutrality. I know that is a weird thing to say but it is the only way that I can think to explain it.

The Call

2011-11-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

For months we waited. I became very frustrated with the lack of a projected timeline and the lack of news. I had concluded that it was best to avoid talking to our agency because the time before those calls made me hopeful and then the lack of information left me disappointed. Having been through this now I can understand why our agency couldn't tell me when or even how everything would happen (the process in Uganda is always changing; you could almost label it "unpredictable"). But it left me frustrated nonetheless.

On Tuesday, October 4, 2011, I got to work to find a voicemail from our agency. I had been out picking up Starbucks for my team and had forgotten one person's coffee so I needed to head back out. I wanted to call back right away but I told myself that it was probably nothing and to not be hopeful. Because I couldn't control those hopeful emotions that were so dangerous to me, I chose to push all of it aside and run back out to Starbucks. As I returned and pulled back into a parking spot, my cell phone rang. I could see it was our agency. My hopes jumped up again as I pushed myself to stay calm. I told my passenger that I needed to take this call and that I would see her inside.

I don't remember her exact first words but I do remember "you have a court date" and "are you ready to travel because you leave this Saturday." She told me how thankful she was that I was such a neurotic control freak as my prior excessive preparation and aggressive don't-get-in-my-way personality would serve us well in having to leave so very quickly. Okay she didn't use those words. She was far nicer than that. But I don't remember the exact words so I am just boiling it down to the point. :) Later we were told that it would be okay if we left on Sunday. While I wanted so badly to leave on Saturday in order to get to our kids one day sooner, we really needed that extra day to get ready.

I walked, jogged, and skipped into the office and briefly paused on "the row" (the area where my team sits) to announce "we got it! we got a court date! we leave this Saturday! gotta go, I need to buy tickets." I'm pretty sure I dropped my coffee in the middle of all that but I know it didn't spill so I must have consumed most of it already. I'm sure the fresh intake of caffeine only added fuel to my frenzy.

We both continued to work the rest of that week as we needed to save our vacation time to cover the long absence. We would come home at the end of the day and part ways only to see each other again when crawling into bed. We went to the bank to get crisp, newer than 2006, unmarked $100 bills. We bought car seats, little winter coats, little underwear, travel tissue packs, tons of wipes, vitamins, little dresses for court, little sweaters to go with little dresses for court, 5 pairs of girls dress shoes (in hopes that 3 would fit), and on and on and on. We got anti-malaria prescriptions filled and prepared other prescriptions, all in their original bottles so as to avoid any issues with transporting so much (unfortunately I take a significant amount of medication due to significant pain associated with fibromyalgia). I picked up donated formula from local pediatricians and donated toothbrushes from local dentists (I parceled these out in small batches as I heard of various people making trips to various baby homes when it was appropriate; you have to be very careful about how you handle donations as you don't ever want to provide incentives to anyone within the adoption process as that is where ethics issues arise). We gathered more documents. We had conference calls with our agency about details and steps.

I never really cried with joy like you would think. We were so very busy that there just wasn't time. I remember that when I would be waiting at a stop light, I would start to tear up but then the light would turn green and I would be off and running again. I don't know what all we did in those 5 days but I know that it was a complete sprint. We were both exhausted. I remember finding it very stressful but it was such an exciting time.

That Sunday as we got ready to walk out the door and head to the airport, I posted on facebook: It's baby time!!! Some couples go to the hospital. Others go to the airport.

The Wait

2011-11-21T20:06:00.000-08:00

Once you find out who your kids are (get a referral), you have to wait for a court date. There is nothing that you can do to make it happen faster and the wait is a killer. I feel like it was a time for Satan's attacks. So many questions went through my mind during that time. What if we are doing the wrong thing? What if this falls through (a failed adoption is emotionally similar to a miscarriage)? What if these aren't our kids? What if we already missed our kids and we failed to find them and now it is too late? What if they have been split from their siblings? What if they became ill and even died because they had no one to care for them? Why oh why didn't we try biological? Why four? We must be insane.

I asked everyone to pray for our kids. But then I felt guilty because sometimes a whole day would go by when I wouldn't even think about our kids. I felt even more guilty because I was thankful for those days because they were a relief from the stress and emotions.

Ripping up our carpet and installing laminate floors was a ton of work but it was the perfect project during the wait. It kept me busy and I was too tired to stress, worry, contemplate, and over think everything.

I really have no advice for someone in this stage. It just sucks. Well, I guess I do have 3 pieces of advice:

Pray constantly and listen carefully.
Find a project. Lots of projects.
Exercise, eat well, and cut out most sugar. International adoption is extremely physically demanding. If you get an infant they will keep you up all night. If you get a toddler they will want to be carried everywhere. If you get 4 school age siblings they will wake up early, want to be carried, they will get sick, you will get sick, step on you, elbow you, and climb all over you. If you are seriously dependent on caffeine and/or sugar you will likely crash at the most inopportune time (like I did) as foods in other countries usually do not contain nearly as much sugar as they do in the US.

If you are in the waiting stage right now, I'm sorry. If you know someone who is waiting, just listen as there is really nothing you can say to make it better.

Home Safe and Sound

2011-11-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

We have now been home for 48 hours. Previously I felt too nervous to blog about our adoption for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong way and somehow upsetting our adoption. So I elected to just stop for the time being until we had our kids home safe and sound. Well they are all in bed now.

The past two months have been so extremely intense. My goals in writing are:

To share our joy with those who have showed their interest in our crazy life.
To share information with others adopting or considering adopting. I found reading others' blogs so very helpful when we were ramping up to adopt. Every person is different but having read multiple other stories gave me some idea of what to expect (even though nothing could have fully prepared me for this roller coaster).
To answer questions. We are two very tall white people with 4 very little Africans following us around. Naturally we get a lot of looks, stares, and questions. I am very open to these questions but I want to avoid constantly discussing my kids' adoption right in front of them. I hope that by blogging I can answer some of these questions while avoiding making my kids' feel like their lives are always on display.
To respect our kids' privacy. I know that people want to know about our family because they are interested, curious, considering adoption, etc. But when in doubt, I hope to default to sharing less. My theory is that you can always say more later but can never un-say something.
To keep a record of this amazing and crazy roller coaster. The stories and the memories are important to me. I hope our kids will enjoy having these in the future.

I tried to keep a journal during our trip but that went out the window once we took custody of the kids at the hotel. So I will try to piece together my memories and write what I can.

We Are A Family!!!

2011-11-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

I know that it has been a long time since I have written much. I will explain that later, but right now I have something too important to wait on catching up. As of today, we are officially, legally, and forever a family. We were awarded, in writing, legal guardianship by the Ugandan high courts. It is my greatest joy to introduce our new family to you.

Joanita Naomi Johns (age 9)

Her full name is pronounced jo-anita but she prefers to be called Joani which is pronounced jo-ann-E. Joanita is the name that her first mother gave her, a piece of her history that we would never dream of taking away. Naomi is my mother's name. Johns is the name that will identify her as a member of our family. Joanita is a leader and a caretaker. She is serious and experienced at caring for her siblings. I have no doubt that she will turn into a strong young woman much more quickly than we would prefer.

Sylvia Joy Johns (age 7)

Sylvia is the name that her first mother gave her. Again, we would never dream of changing that. Joy is Josh's mother's name. Again, Johns is her family name. Sylvia is soft and gentle. She is a quiet girl who shows herself a little at a time. Each day we get to know a little more about her.

Sarah Fehr Johns (age 6)

Sarah is the name that her first mother gave her. Again, that is an important piece of her history. Fehr is my middle name which is also my mother's maiden name. We are happy that she will share our last name. Sarah is full of energy. She does everything with great enthusiasm. When she smiles you can't help but laugh with her.

Ryan David Johns (age 4)

Ryan always was and always will be his first name. David is Josh's middle name. Johns is our family name which he will also pass on to his own family someday. Ryan absolutely loves every things about "motorcars". He is a typical little boy. Being the youngest to three older sisters, he can throw elbows with the best of them to defend his space.

Thank you for sharing in our joy of this day. I will start catching you up on our recent past soon.

Keep Praying

2011-09-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

Please keep praying for our kids. If you already are or would like to start praying for our kids regularly, please click on the link below and sign up. We would love to keep our kids covered in prayer all day long.

Prayer Schedule Link

Please pray for:
- Good health for our kids.
- Our preparation, both physically and mentally. This is going to be a BIG change for us.
- The kids' hearts and minds. This is going to be a big change for them too. Please pray that the kids will be open to both our love and God's love.

Toy Boxes

2011-09-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have been hard at work getting our house ready for the kids. One of my projects was to create toy boxes. You see, we only have 1 living space which means we will have toys in our main/only living room. Since I am a bit of a neat freak, I wanted to be able to have somewhere to put all the toys rather than having them just piled in the corner or something.

Back when we first moved into our house 4 years ago, I built a shelving unit to house our TV, electronics, books, DVDs and my gzhel (blue and white Russian porcelain) collection. So my plan was to get 10 boxes that would fit on that shelving unit that would function for toy storage. However finding something big enough (11x13x20 inches) would be difficult to do, expensive, and I'm just picky. So I decided to make my own. In order to save money, I got creative and used cardboard boxes from work. I cut them down and covered them in upholstery fabric.

Before

During

After

Close Up of the Fabric

This project took me much more time and effort than I had expected but then most of my projects do. :) But I am happy with the outcome.

What to say?

2011-08-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

We didn't want them to know about us too soon as it is difficult for a child to know why it takes so long to come get them. At the same time they are at an orphanage where other parents are coming and going so it is natural that they would ask questions. We discussed this with our coordinator and fully trusted our agency and the caregivers to time this as well as possible.

This last week we were informed that our children now know about us. With that news came an invitation to write them a letter. I found writing to my kids for the first time to be overwhelmingly intimidating. You would think I would have written it that day and sent it off just as quick as possible. Instead it took days.

I felt like I needed to say everything at once. I felt like it needed to be some kind of poetic work of art. I felt like it had to be perfect.

Finally I realized that this would not be the only letter that they would recieve from us. So I decided to take it one step at a time. I focused on our excitement, how many friends and family are waiting to meet them, and how much we already love them. With the next letter I will focus on how they will go to school when they get home and how we already have their backpacks and school supplies all ready to go.

I plan to keep all of these letters to go in a scrapbook. (Are they still called scrapbooks when you do it digitally and then have a pretty, bound, professional looking book done?) I hope these letters will be a treasured piece of both our history and theirs.

Shots and Malaria

2011-08-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

Today we got our shots for traveling to Uganda. I had to get 4 and Josh had to get 5. And man did they hurt! No, this does not mean that we have a travel date yet. It is just something that we have to do now in order to be ready when the time comes.

I'll be honest, the diseases that these vaccinations are meant to protect us from flat out terrify me. I can't seem to get my mind off of the fact that we are the lucky ones. We are able to get these shots. Yes they hurt like crazy, but they protect us. Can you imagine living in a country where things like Polio and Typhoid are a very real threat and having no protection at all?!? No shots. No money for a doctor if you do get sick. No protection. Can you imagine getting sick and being too poor to just go to a doctor for help? Can you imagine your spouse or your child getting sick and watching them die? This is real life for so many people in this world.

When we go to Uganda we will get a prescription for anti-Malaria medication. Just about every American traveling to Uganda does this. We are also instructed to buy the strongest possible mosquito repellent and bring plenty of it. But what if Uganda was your home? What if every mosquito that buzzed by was a danger to your life? What if you had no anti-Malaria medication and no mosquito spray and no bed nets to keep you safe while you sleep?

2,000 Children die from Malaria every day! That is one every 40 seconds. How many have died since you started reading this? How many since you got on your computer? Does this sadden you? Do you want to close out this screen so that you can stop thinking about it? Don't! Don't you dare brush away the death of God's beloved children.

I know that it is still August and Christmas is months away but it will be here in no time. Do you have someone on your shopping list that already has everything? I want to suggest a gift idea. What if you give a loved one a bed net? Why would they need a bed net? They don't. But someone does. Your gift to them could also be a gift to someone else. Just $6 is enough to buy a bed net which will protect 2 or more children for approximately 4 years. Will you think about it?

World Vision End Malaria Link

Building Bunk Beds

2011-08-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today a wonderful friend came over and spent FIVE HOURS helping me assemble our Ikea bunk beds. I feel so blessed to have a friend who loves us and our kids enough to spend the majority of her Saturday working on this project with me. We had a great time chatting and laughing all along the way.

70 Pages of instructions

56 Boards

267 Screws, bolts, dowels, and thinga-ma-jiggies

1 Completed set of bunk beds!

Baby Dedication

2011-07-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

For about 2 years now, every time there is a baby dedication at church I feel overwhelmed with emotions. During the entire dedication I daydream about when it will be our turn. I was raised in a church that took the view that a baby dedication is more about dedicating the parents than it is about the baby. The idea is that the parents commit to raising their child to know about the love of God and the salvation available from Jesus. At the same time the church family commits to helping the parents in all of this. In other churches the view is that the child is being given back to God and a blessing is prayed over the baby. I really like both.

This weekend I went to the local fabric sale as they had a 99 cent sale on patterns. I haven't sewn since high school... or maybe it was middle school. So of course I made up my mind to make my girls their dresses for our dedication day. Because 3 girls' dresses and a matching skirt or dress for me all in the same fabric should be pretty easy, right? Yes, I have officially lost my mind!

Prayer Schedule

2011-07-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

I recently asked for volunteers to pray regularly for our kids. I tried adding a spreadsheet but I could not find a way to do so such that you could fill in the time that you wanted to sign up for since you don't have access to write on my blog. But I did get a suggestion to use a website that has that kind of layout already set up. If you already told me when you wanted to sign up for, I already put your names in. The website is really easy to use. Please check it out.

Prayer Schedule

Prayer

2011-07-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to put together a group of people who would be willing to daily and consistently pray for our children. I know that many of you are already. I was hoping to arrange some kind of schedule which would result in our children being covered in prayer all day every day. I can't tell you how much I value all of your prayers. There are 2 main parts to this:

1. Unlike a pregnant woman, I have no ability to protect my children-to-be. I can't take vitamins to keep them healthy. I can't go to the doctor to see their heartbeats on an ultrasound. So I have to look to God to protect them and to deliver them to our arms.

2. Every day I dream of meeting our children, hugging them for the first time, and bringing them home. But I also know that what I long for will also be some of the most overwhelming and scary times for our children. Can you imagine strangers coming and telling you that you will move to a strange land, to eat strange food, to speak a strange language, that they are now "mommy" and "daddy", and that this will all be wonderful? Our first year together will be full of wonderful times, full of firsts, and full of emotions both good and bad.

I read an amazing blog post about a woman who adopted 4 siblings. (She is the one that I turned to for advice when our first agency was pushing us towards a pair and to ignore the call that we were hearing to find our 4, as a group of 4 is almost unheard of and not practical.) If you have ever doubted the power of prayer, you must read this. Here is the majority of that post:

Never ever doubt the power of prayer--- even when you are not sure exactly what you are praying for. God knows and HE WILL USE IT!

Remember when I asked you to pray every day at 11:00am,

as darkness fell across the world in Ethiopia, for the release and protection of our children?

God led us to pray at that time because He knew that was the time when they were in the greatest danger.

I had no idea what specifically that they would be in danger of, but it was at that time that 2 of my children were forced to sleep outside with no shelter.

Hyenas are everywhere in the countryside.

If you value your livestock, then it stays in the house with you. However, some orphans are forced outside. Those with no one to speak up for them--- no defender-- no helper-- have no other option.

Our kids still become uneasy at dusk, wanting to be inside, safe from the ferocious hyenas. Last night sweet Isaiah began telling about how he was so terrified of the hyenas when they spent nights outside. Because hyenas can "smell everything--- and they know everything-- and they can see everything!"

"But, they could not see us! They would be right in front of us, but Mom, I believe something was holding them back!"

Yes, baby, SOMEONE was holding them back.

Our children are in an orphanage where they are not in danger of hyenas like these children were. But I still covet your prayers all the same. Would you commit to praying for our children at a specific time? Maybe when you are getting ready in the morning or when you are eating your lunch or sitting in traffic? If you are in a time zone other than Pacific Daylight Time, I would love it if you chose a time that is early or late in your day. I would be thrilled if we had people praying at every hour of the day. Please message or email (jdafjohns@msn.com) or comment when you would be willing to pray. If you could also let me know how I can identify you (first name, initials, or something) so that I could post the schedule, I would really appreciate that.

Prayer requests:
1. Protection for our children
2. Love and attention for our children
3. Learning in school for the girls
4. Preparation for Josh and me to become parents
5. Preparation for the kids for such very big changes in their lives that are ahead

Pictures

2011-07-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we received more photos of our kids. I can't share them with you. But I have cut out a little piece for you. I hope that somehow seeing their hands will help you as you pray for them. I can't tell you their names or ages either. But I will tell you what I can.

On the left is Little Sweetie. I have concluded that she is full of spirit and a curious one. In the very first photo we ever saw of them, she was staring straight into the camera so intensly as if to say "you better come and get me". In the individual photos of Little Guy and Little Darling, Little Sweetie has managed to work her way into the background of the photos, looking curious and energetic.

Next to Little Sweetie is Little Guy. He has a soft gentle expression in every photo. In one photo he is leaning back a little with his elbow on a step and a smile on his face like he knows you can't resist his charm. I can just imagine him following Josh around everywhere he goes while the girls are off at school. I think the two will be quite the pair.
Next to Little Guy is Little Darling. I am having a hard time figuring out her personality from the photos. In some of the photos I think I see a hint of sadness which makes me want to scoop her up and hold her until a smile appears. I'm probably reading too much into all of these photos, but I can't help it. Little Darling and her older sister, Little Lady, have the same noses and the exact same jaw bones. They are playing together in one photo and I have no doubt how much these sisters love each other.

Next to Little Darling, on the right, is Little Lady. Little Lady appears to be wise beyond her years. Being the oldest, I can only assume that she is the caretaker of the group. In some photos she appears to be looking out for the little ones. She appears to have a gentle but serious personality.

Please pray for their health and safety. Please pray that we would be patient as this process can't be rushed, it just has to play out. I so look forward to getting to know each of our children!

Will Year 13 Be The Year That We Become Parents?

2011-07-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

This Monday June 27th was our 12 year wedding anniversary. It would have been nice if I had written this in advance so that I could have posted it on the actual day. But it's better late than never, right?

I am so thankful that Josh has had 12 years of patience for me. I was first attracted to his gentle spirit. He is the opposite of me in so many ways but that is what allows us to balance each other out. After 12 years, I would marry him again tomorrow.

Year 12 was full of ups and downs. And year 13 appears to be a very interesting year too. The idea of bringing our kids home is so very exciting. But we are realistic; we know that this will be a difficult year. Every couple goes through a difficult transition period when they have their first baby and life changes from just the two of you to everything being focused on that little infant. Having twins is an even bigger transition. Now imagine going from no kids to having quadruplets. I imagine that bringing our 4 kids home will be similarly challenging. Our kids will require tons of attention, care, and love. We know this and we want to do this. I think we have a healthy understanding of what is ahead of us, as much as is possible that is.

Many of you are praying for us. Please pray that with every step of this process that we would draw closer together and closer to God. Please pray that as our kids come home that we would learn and grow into great parents together.

They Fit!

2011-06-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

The new shelves are done. Both of our vehicles now fit in the garage without having to do the little side step and squeeze dance to get around. One step closer to having our house ready to triple in population!

I Will Just Apologize Now

2011-06-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have listened to so many women talk about nothing but their children. And its now official... I am now one of them. As we get ready to change from a family of 2 to a family of 6, it seems to be the focus of so much of my time. I am trying to remain "normal" but this seems to be sucking me in like a vacuum. But I must admit, it is fun. We have looked forward to this for such a long time. While I do need to have other things in my life, I do feel like I am entitled to enjoy this just as every other woman gets to enjoy the anticipation of her baby's arrive as he grows in her tummy. So I will try to keep my head on in the coming months, but I can already tell you now that I am going to fail often. So I will just apologize now to all of you.

I'm Not Telling

2011-06-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have shared a lot about what we might expect when bringing our kids home. But as the theoretic transitions to reality, my words will become more edited. I look forward to sharing their cute stories but I have no intentions of opening up their fears, hurts, and most personal information in such a public forum as a blog. If I knew someone who was considering adoption, I would certainly be willing to share more (on a one-on-one basis) in order to help them as others have helped me. I hope that I will be successful in finding this balance of helping other's learn, sharing my anticipation and joy, and respecting the privacy of our babies-to-be. I am so pleased that so many people are interested to follow our journey and I feel the need to explain why I would suddenly start holding back in how much I share.

This is part of an article that I recently read which I thought was very good:

Adoptive parents struggle with the public/private nature of adoption all the time. They are challenged to balance their family's sometimes obvious public status as an adoptive family with the privacy of the family's individuals. Most adoptive families are proud of their families and want to present a positive attitude about adoption to others, particularly their children. The precarious task for adoptive parents is to be open enough about adoption that their children don't see adoption as a secret or as something to be ashamed of, while at the same time taking care not to compromise the right to privacy of everyone involved. So, even as they're trying to protect their children's privacy, adoptive parents are also trying to normalize adoption for their children and for others around them.

An important reason that parents try to control the dissemination of their chldren's information has to do with the fact that the child himself, particularly a young child, often does not yet know all of his own personal information. Parents are responsible for safeguarding facts about the child's life for the child until he or she is of an appropriate age to hear it. If the child's information becomes too commonly known, adoptive parents risk the child hearing things before he or she is ready. One adoptive mother tells of her daughter learning she had biological siblings in a very abrupt way, when another sibling used it to wound her in an argument. The parent had intended to discuss this under gentler circumstances, and when she felt her daughter was ready to hear it. This mother wished she'd been more careful about sharing her daughter's personal information with others, even within her own family.

link to the full article

How We Found Them

2011-06-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have a friend from high school whom I dearly love. We were so close as kids. Unfortunately we don't live in the same state anymore. We don't talk as often as either of us would like; life just gets in the way. But Facebook does help us stay current on each other's lives. Erin is the kind of friend that when you do talk it is like no time has passed. We pick up right where we left off. We seem to always understand each other's hearts.

At some point in mid-May, Erin saw a friend (whom I don't know) post on Facebook about a sibling group of 4 in need of a family. This friend of Erin's had adopted in the past and was in tune with the current goings on of her old adoption agency. Erin told me that when she saw this post she didn't think too much of it. She knew that we were waiting for a referral from our agency in their Ghana program.

On Friday May 27th, Erin's friend posted again that there was a sibling group of 4 in need of a forever family. This time she felt completely compelled to let me know about this. Now I have had multiple friends tell me about these kids or those kids available from here or there, trying to be helpful. So when I got her text, my first reaction was to brush this off. But very soon I was looking into this. I sent this new agency a request for more information and I got a call back very quickly.

Josh and I then spent the next 10 days thinking, praying, discussing, praying, fasting, praying and talking. These kids meant changing agencies, doing a bunch more paperwork, and doing another education plan (we had already completed WACAP and Hopscotch's education plan). This change involved leaving approximately $3,000 on the table with Hopscotch which was in accordance with their policies which we signed, but was painful none the less. Honestly, it was difficult to focus on God during all of this.

We have not chosen the easy route here. If we had not felt called to look for 4, we could easily have a referral for 2 by now and very possibly have had them home already. If we had just stuck with our first agency our process would have been easier and shorter and less stressful. It is so very difficult to be quiet and listen to God.

After those 10 days we said "yes". We are currently doing more paperwork. Completing an application, signing contracts, writing checks, putting together a dossier. I am hopeful that we will have this aspect done in the next week or two. Everyone says that the waiting at this point is the hardest. I am just looking forward to knowing that we have done everything that we can do on our end. I am hopeful that I can let go and trust God from that point. In the meantime we are preparing our home. Last weekend we bought a used Escalade which seats 7 passengers. Now I need to build more shelves in our garage in order to get all of our junk off the floor so that the Escalade fits in our garage. There are so many things left to do but it felt great to check this one off the list.

Please pray for:
- Our kids' health
- Our kids' safety
- Patience for us as we wait for the day that we first get to meet our children

Change of Plans

2011-06-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

We had been waiting to find our kids in Ghana for a little over 6 months now. And then suddenly a change of plans. Was something wrong with Ghana? No. Was something wrong with Hopscotch Adoptions? No. So why the change of plans? It's very simple, we found our kids! But they were not in Ghana after all. They are in Ug@nda. It is fair to say that we have searched the world over for these precious children. I would love to share every detail that we have with you, but it is not appropriate to do so at this point. I will however answer the top 3 questions that we have been getting so far:

Are they siblings? Yes
How long have they been orphans? Are they orphans? This is information that we are going to save just for them. It is their story. Many parents choose to share this information. And we might someday. But our thinking is that we can always share this later, but once you share it there is no un-sharing that can be done. So if you have asked this, know that it is a common question but don't be offended by our choice to not answer.
Do they speak English? We have no idea. Probably not but this is so low on the priority list in my mind. It's so low on my priority list that it kind of makes me chuckle. I have a B.A. in Linguistics so the process of language acquisition is not intimidating to me.

So we are starting to kick into preparation mode. We are planning to meet with someone this weekend to hopefully buy a used 7 passenger SUV. We are going to need 1 car seat and 3 booster seats! I will need to practice my braiding skills even more as I will need to get very, very, very good at it. The closets need extra shelves to maximize the space. We will need a bunk bed. I want to move the 2 twin beds that we currently have into the other room because the bunk bed will fit better in that room. Thankfully I don't know the kids' sizes yet so I can't do any clothes shopping just yet. :)

We expect that we might bring our kids home in fall or winter. The timeline varies a lot so it is difficult to say. When the time comes, we will need to make 2 trips (the first one for 3 weeks and the second one for 1 week) or 1 longer trip of about 6 weeks. At this point we don't know which option we will choose.

I will tell you soon the story of how we found our kids!

Roller Coaster

2011-06-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

Not too far from us, there is a decent sized theme park. Their biggest and fastest roller coaster is named Aftershock. It is the kind that harnesses you from above so that your legs dangle. Just before the ride really begins the floor drops out from under you. It then takes you straight up at a 90 degree angle to the earth so that you are looking straight down. Then the machine lets go and you plunge straight towards the earth. You then fly past the crowd waiting for their turn and up for several loops and twists until it then takes you up in another 90 degree angle to the earth, this time you are looking straight up. It pulls you up further and then the machine lets go and you fly through the whole thing again, this time backwards.

Now I am terrified of heights. We are talking hysterical screaming, a complete loss of sanity, kind of terror. If suddenly faced with a view of a long, or even a short, drop off, I will freeze dead in my tracks. The other alternative is that I will go flailing in the other direction without regard for what is in that opposite direction. It has nothing to do with logic. Although I can give you a long list of reasons why a person should be adverse to heights!

Going back to our local theme park, I have been on Aftershock multiple times. I like the idea of the thrill of the ride. I hate the idea that at the age of 31, I am too old for that kind of stuff. I don't like thinking that I am a chicken. Every time I have gone on this ride it has gone like this:

We stand in line and at first all is well. As we get up to the front of the line the adrenaline starts to kick in... to the point that I feel a little nauseous. But I see a 9 year old kid standing ahead of me who is so excited to get on the ride and so I think to myself "if he can do this I can do this." As the gate opens I go over to my little butt landing pad. Its not exactly a full seat, more of just a place for your butt to rest while your legs dangle over the edge. The very moment that I buckle myself in I think "oh my! what have done!" I start to consider unbuckling and bailing out of this ill thought plan. But then I just envision myself getting half way unbuckled when the ride takes off and getting drug along with the ride until I finally come completely loose and fly through the air before slamming into the ground. At this point a kid comes by to make sure that my belt is on properly. In the 1.3 seconds that it takes him to tug on my belt I find myself thinking "are you old enough to drive?! you are the one they are trusting with my safety?! what are you checking for?! do you even know what to check for?!" Then the floor drops out and the ride slowly begins to move. At that point I am excited, glad that I didn't chicken out, and looking forward to the wild ride. I'm thinking "I can do this, I can do this, I think I can, I think I can." The giant machine begins to pull the contraption up that 90 degree incline. Slowly slowly slowly it inches upward. And then it locks into place. "Oh what have I done?! this was a bad idea?! why did I do this again?!" And then it comes, the moment everyone has been waiting for, the ride begins. With a sudden rush of movement, we are catapulting towards the earth, past the crowd, up into the air, up in a loop, twist in a twisty loop. The whole thing feels completely out of control. And yet I am firmly in place, following the path designed by the maker of this wild ride.

I have been told that adoption is a lot like a roller coaster. I always envisioned that this meant one of those old school roller coasters. The ones that take you up an incline and then down a steep slope over and over, with no loops no feet dangling no falling backwards towards the earth at a pace equivalent of falling to your death. I'm not an expert in all things adoption. I can only tell you about our experiences. No, our adoption is not that kind of roller coaster. It's a lot more like Aftershock.

For 12 years we have planned to adopt. We stood in that line waiting until everything was ready. When the time came, we looked at different agencies and different countries. We were about to board this ride and it started to feel a little scary. What if we picked the wrong agency or the wrong country? We moved forward and committed to our first agency and our first country (Ethiopia). We had buckled in. We changed to our second agency and our second country (Ghana). The ride began to move, slowly. With every decision came a thousand questions. Are we doing the right thing? Are we looking in the right place? How many kids? What ages? What medical conditions are we open to? Are we ready for all this?

Now we are at a point where we are making decisions and the ride is about to really start. I'm not ready to share the details of these decisions just yet. But yes, it is exciting. I can tell you that it feels a little like the start of the roller coaster, during that first free fall. It is a wonderful feeling. But it is also a very scary feeling.

So what is so scary? Is it the fear of bringing children home? No, that's not it. Don't get me wrong, we know we are jumping into the deep end of the pool. We have been to the classes, read the books, and talked to those who have lived it. We have heard plenty of the worst case scenario stories. And we know that knowing all of that is still not the same as really being there.

So what is so scary? It is the fear of getting our hearts broken. What if I fall in love with these little faces and then it doesn't work out? What if it falls through? This isn't just a little scary. It's a lot scary. We are talking about putting it all out there and risking excruciating pain. There are no guarantees in this process. But there is a whole set of questions on the other side of this. Are we not willing to experience God's great plan for us because we are too scared to walk down His path? Is God not the great Healer of all things, including our hearts? So we move forward and trust God to catch us if we fall.

Braiding

2011-06-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

In high school I could french braid my hair without a mirror, products, or comb. I could do a double pig tail braid but for that I did need a mirror to make sure that I got the middle part right. If we have African daughters, I am going to have to do lots of braiding. Thankfully there are blogs out there where they give you detailed step-by-step instructions on everything from how to properly wash hair to how to braid different styles to what products to use. I have been reading two of them regularly for at least 6 months now. One is called Beads Braids & Beyond and the other is Happy Girl Hair. While we wait for our kids, I have been working on relearning to braid my own hair. I figure it is good practice. This is a picture of my current skill level.

Learning

2011-06-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

I have learned many things along this path to adoption.

I have learned that adoption is way more difficult than I ever imagined. Everyone thinks that the paperwork is the hard part. Wrong! It's the decisions. Deciding when to adopt, from where, what ages, what medical conditions you are open to, how many, who to trust, which agency, and which children are yours. The decisions are mind boggling. Trust me, the paperwork is the easy part!

I have learned patience. Okay, I have learned a little patience. But it's much more than I had before this journey began. I have learned that fastest is not always best. (Even though I do still prefer it.)

I have learned to pray like I have never prayed before. We are talking on your knees, crying, begging for answers kind of prayer. Never do you talk so clearly and so directly to God as when you are the most desperate for His guidance.

I have learned to truly appreciate the prayers of others. So many words of comfort like "It will all work out" or "God's timing is perfect" fall hollow on the ears of a PAP (Prospective Adoptive Parent). I finally learned what that acronym stands for just yesterday! :) But the words "we are praying for you" do bring true comfort like absolutely nothing else can.

I'm a little fearful to think of what else I might learn before this process is over. But I have no doubt that it will shape me as a person.

Have You Ever Prayed for a Garage Sale?

2011-05-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

This past year I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with a pretty amazing family. They have started an organization called Feeding The Orphans. They are working to feed orphans in Ghana. Who knows, maybe they are feeding our children now. I do know that they are feeding God's children.

I have been hopeful for a chance to be a part of what they are doing and I think I have found a way. They are sending me purses and jewelry made in Ghana. I will be selling them on Saturday June 11th. You see, our town does one big garage sale every year. I would estimate that 25% of all houses have a garage sale going on in their driveway. All on the same day. It draws a big crowd from up to an hour's drive away. It's pretty crazy.

My hope is to sell everything they send me and have nothing to send back but lots of money. So can I ask you to pray for this garage sale? I know it might sound like a strange request at first but this is about much more than just a garage sale. I will also be handing out information on Feeding The Orphans in hopes of building more support for this ministry. I am really excited about this opportunity to be a part of God's work. I hope that somehow in all of this I will find how I might be able to be a part of Feeding The Orphans in the future too.

Overly Sensitive?

2011-05-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago we read a book called Adoption is a Family Affair. I asked my parents to read it also, which they did. (In fact, most of our family has read it by now.) My Dad and I were discussing the part where adoptive parents were telling some of the thoughtless things that people have said to them. We agreed that many examples were valid and in some cases people were being overly sensitive.

Often times when people hear about our plans to adopt, they say "your kids will be so lucky". I know that this is normally said with the intent to be supportive. And I greatly appreciate the immense amount of support that we have received. But you should know that most parents don't really like this compliment. I can imply that the child doesn't deserve everything that they have and that they don't have a right to normal childhood behavior like tantrums and teenage complaints. Most parents will reply "no we are the lucky ones". Now if someone says this to me "your kids will be so lucky", I usually just smile and say "thank you" as I know their intentions are good. After all, why be oversensitive.

Just this week a good friend referred to an adoptive mom as having 2 children "of her own" and 3 adopted. Now I know she was just trying to tell about why this woman is a special woman and I didn't correct her. But it really is a big deal. Why? Because the 3 children were adoptED. Past tense. They are no longer different than the other 2 children. They are all really her children and nothing less should ever be implied. Now this family was not around. But what if a child near by was adopted and you didn't realize it. Could you do damage with your words? Absolutely.

I have always realized that there are two categories: words that are said to us/parents and words that are said in front of our (someday) kids. Recently I read a blog post that really explained why the latter is so important. I hope you will read it. It was written by Tracy. I found Tracy through the world of blogs. She was the first person that I had ever heard of adopting 4 siblings at one time. When our first agency was not supportive of our hopes to adopt 4 siblings at once, it was Tracy that I turned to for advice. Here is a little bit of what she wrote and a link to her blog:

I'm not at all questioning anyone's motives, just informing them that, in their ignorance, they are being used as a tool of Satan to plant doubt and mistrust into the mind of a child.

but whoever causes one of theses little ones who believes in Me to stumble,

it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck,

and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Matthew 18:6

Orphans are serious to God--those who have been redeemed have an incredible call and purpose in their lives and the enemy is continually out to cause them to stumble.

So, since we all have questions---

Here is a small dose of enlightenment---simple facts that can shine light on some of the wonderings about adopted kids, mine are from Africa, but it could apply to anywhere:

So your paperwork is done, right?

2011-05-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

So your paperwork is done, right? Ummmmm... nope...

I have gotten this question a few times in just the past few days. You would think that after this much time that we would have all of our paperwork done. So what do we have left? The dossier. We were 99% done with our dossier for Ethiopia when we switch over to Ghana. Dossiers are country specific but most of the documents are the same. So it shouldn't be too much work. I just need to sit down and figure out what I don't have. Without a referral yet I haven't felt much hurry to do this, but I really need to just get this taken care of and out of the way.

So you might wonder what all this paperwork looks like. Well here is a look. Now keep in mind, I am kind of a nut and so I have everything in sheet protectors. But to my defense, there is not a sheet protector for every page, just for each group of related papers or duplicates. (We have 4 notarized copies of our homestudy.)

Baby Envy

2011-05-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

I have made so many friends, many whom I have never met in person, who have gone through or are going through the adoption process. A few months ago, one such person got the word to head to Ghana and pick up her girls. I was so envious. I watched her blog and facebook, drooling over the details and wishing for that day that it would be me. Just a couple of days ago I learned that a dear friend was selected by a birth mother to be a mommy to her baby. I was thrilled for her but again I was envious too. I hesitate to admit this because the last thing I ever want is for a friend to hold back in sharing their joy for fear of hurting my feelings. I'm not really sure why I am admitting this, except to be honest and to tell my story as it plays out.

It is a little difficult for me to think that we have been at this for over a year now. It was Mother's Day 2010 when we first sent in our application. Our big day could be right around the corner or much longer. We don't have any news except to say that we continue to wait. But life is good and it is busy. And I enjoy making these many new friends and watching their adoption journeys play out.

If you are praying for us, as I know many of you are, please pray that we might listen carefully for God's plan. We think His plan is to find 4 siblings, but it is so important that we be able to hear His voice in order to know His plan, whatever it might be.

The Hole in our Gospel

2011-05-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

After 4 years of textbooks, I have finished my first for-pleasure-reading that I can remember in what seems like forever. The book? The Hole in our Gospel.

The Hole in our Gospel is written by Richard Stearns, the President of World Vision. He sets out to try to answer the question "what does God expect of us?" God has blessed most Americans with so much. And the world is full of poverty. So what does God expect of us? We can't do everything. And yet we can't do nothing. So what does God expect of us?

I strongly recommend this book. I believe that this book will change the way that I view my life and hopefully will change the way I choose to live it. I believe in the value of this book so much that I am going to offer to give away 10 copies. 10 free books!

If you would like a free copy, please comment twice on this post. The first comment saying that you are interested, which I will publish. The second comment with your mailing address and email address. I promise not to publish this second comment and only use it for shipping. I will purchase the books (used) on half.com and have yours shipped directly to you.

There are 2 conditions to my offer:
1. That you actually read the book, not just let it gather dust. I hope to hear from you within 3 months as to what you thought of the book.
2. If you like the book half as much as I did, I ask that you find someone else willing to read it and pass it on to them.

Want to do something to help adoption? It's easy...

2011-04-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought that you would like to do something to promote adoption, but don't feel that you are called to adopt and don't feel like you have much money to give? Well here is something that you can do, simple and easy.

Macy's is having a Million Dollar Makeover contest. One of the finalist is Amy Sandberg Corder Ferrell. She is mom to 5 kids including 3 who were "older" when adopted from Ghana. She also lives in WA state so I look forward to a day when we might meet in person.

Not only would a million dollars allow her family to move into a home better suited for a family of 7, but she has plans to use the money to "do some wonderful things in adoption and also in creating after-school programs for at-risk youth". She is a kindergarten teacher who has a passion for her students and for adoption.

What do you have to do to help? Just vote via facebook. Search for "Macy's Million Dollar Makeover" and vote for Amy.

Want to learn more about Amy? Read her blog and/or friend her on facebook.

20% of the World's Population Consumes 86% of the World's Resources

2011-04-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

I think most of us have heard the statistic that 20% of the world's population consumes 86% of the world's resources. I was reminded of this again today while reading the Hole in our Gospel. Almost immediately a picture came to my mind. Try to picture it if you can:

Josh and I are sitting at a large table. There are 8 other people at the table sitting with us. It is not our house. We are guests at the table. The table is covered with enough food for all 10 of us to eat and be satisfied. But as soon as the prayer is said, Josh and I snatch up most of the food off of each person's plate and pile it on our own leaving them only a tiny fraction of what they had. We proceed to eat and eat in front of these 8 people until we can't possibly eat anymore and then we throw the rest in the trash. Then the next day comes and the same events take place. Day after day we continue to take and have, believing that it is owed to us, that it belongs to us.

Obviously this is metaphorical and yet I don't think it is too far from the truth. I have to wonder how God can tolerate watching his children behave like this. Would you let your one child steal treats or even basic food from your other 4 children?

Jesus said "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24 Now I do believe this is also metaphorical, but I believe that Jesus said it for a reason. It weighs heavily on my heart. God has given us so much but I don't believe that His reason for doing so was so that we could live comfortably on earth. So why did God give us so much? What are we meant to do with it? It feels like so much responsibility. We have to get this right; it is just too important.

Enjoying My New Found Free Time

2011-04-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

Now that I am done with school, I have all kinds of free time. You would think I would be bored. Instead I feel busier then ever. And it's great!

I have been enjoying a 90 minute yoga class every Saturday morning. Yoga is something that I have enjoyed for many years but has fallen by the wayside over the past couple years. Getting back into it is painful at times, as my body is slow to get back in the habit, but so worth it.

I recently learned that my church offers zumba classes every Tuesday and Thursday. One of the pastor's wives teaches it and she is so much fun! I have only been 4 times but I am totally hooked. The only draw back is that I have to repeatedly tell myself to go easy until I get stronger as my body inflicts significant payback if I get too carried away.

Currently we have family in town for the week. Later this month my parents will come to visit. And then Josh's youngest brother and his brother's wife will arrive. During our down time we have plans to babysit our nieces and nephew in order to catch up with them and spend a little quality Chucky Cheese time. Later I have a Boston trip and a St Louis trip planned.

I have a book sitting on my nightstand that I have been dieing to finish reading but I have yet to get back to it. I would like to studying for my CPCU (an insurance designation) but I have no idea when that is going to fit into the picture and I have to admit that I have been enjoying the lapse in time spent studying.

I have so much free time these days and yet I can barely find time to do everything. Perhaps I am just making up for lost time!

No News Is Good News... Or So They Say

2011-04-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

I often get asked for an update on our adoption. First let me tell you that you need never worry about asking this question. Telling you that I have no news is a little dull but I can assure you that it does not upset me to give this answer. That is not to say that I am without anxiety, but I know that they question is asked out of interest and caring.

Currently we have no news. It could come tomorrow or it could come a year from now. This last Christmas we felt certain that we would have kids home by that time next year. But now I question that.

Yes, we still think that God has 4 siblings planned for us. But keep in mind that we are not looking to take anyone's child from them. An ethical adoption only involves adopting children who need adoption. So it is hard to say why we have not found our children yet. Perhaps their story has not played out to the point of needing adoption yet. Or perhaps God has something totally different in store for us. It seems that God's path is a winding one that leads us to His plan. So while it appears to us that His plan is for Him to bring us 4 siblings, perhaps this is just the direction we need to go to find His true plan.

We did however get fingerprinted by homeland security this past Friday. It is part of the process for getting our i-600. (Remember that the i-600 is pre-permission for our children to immigrate.) This isn't much news in that it doesn't change the timeline for bringing our kids home since the timeline at this point is completely determined by when we get a referral. (Remember that a referral is names and faces that are ready for adoption.) If you are someone considering adoption, please don't let our timeline concern you. If we were looking for one or two children, we would very likely have a referral already. Instead we are being difficult in looking for the most unlikely.

So I am sorry to say that my update is not much of an update, just more of the same.

I thought I was better than that

2011-03-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

So I am going to be really honest about something. You might be offended and for that I will apologize now. And you might think less of me for this but I am going to admit it anyways.

When we started the adoption process last May, I had done years of research already. I knew about the facts. I had read hundreds of blogs and knew about the emotional roller coaster. I knew that everyone out there has found the process difficult, expensive, and emotionally painful. I knew that the waiting can be torturous.

So here is the part that you aren't going to like: I thought I was better than all that.

I thought that because we chose to adopt from the beginning, without ever trying for the pregnancy route, that I would be immune from the emotional roller coaster. I chose this route, right? I'm not desperate for a baby, any baby, a baby right now. (This is where I fear that I might have offended you. I truly do apologize.) I didn't think I would yearn for my babies the way that I do. I didn't think that the waiting would bother me. I never expected the weird random moments when the thoughts of my children are right in front of me and I start crying in the grocery store.

In fact, I didn't think that we would wait long because our request is rather open. (We had our homestudy written for boy or girl and up to age 12.) Little did I know that we would then feel God leading us to look for a sibling group of FOUR children. Basically the very least common request possible! I believe that this is what God has planned for us. And maybe at some point we will feel lead in a different direction but until then we are committed to sticking with it. But I have to admit, it is so difficult. I really want to see our kids on the horizon. Its not really the timing that is difficult. If I knew that it would take another year and at that time our kids would appear, I would be totally okay with it. But right now, finding them at all feels so impossible. Yes, I know that if it is God's plan that of course He will see it through. On a daily basis I am having to make the choice to continue to act upon what I believe to be true even when my faith is so shaky. By the way I have asked God for a lightning bolt if He wants to lead us in a different direction. I think it's a fair request, don't you?

I don't think I ever admitted it out loud or even to myself but I actually thought I was better than all the trials and tribulations that everyone else goes through. I thought I was better than that. And I was wrong, completely wrong.

Is that you God?

2011-03-12T17:30:00.000-08:00

We think we should adopt. Is that you God? Pregnancy sure would be cheaper and I'm starting to think easier...

We think we should adopt a pair of siblings. Is that you God?

We think we should adopt from Russia. Is that you God? Russia has become really difficult.

We think we should adopt from Ethiopia. Is that you God? We don't know anything about Ethiopia.

I think maybe I would like 4 kids someday. If we are going to adopt 4 kids, maybe we should do it all at one time in order to keep a sibling group together. Is that you God? It certainly isn't logical. Who in their right minds would go from 0 to 4 children on purpose?

The agency we chose to help us adopt from Ethiopia doesn't really support our desire to adopt 4 at once. We think we should change agencies. Is that you God? This is going to delay the process....

We think we should adopt from Ghana. Is that you God? Let me find a map and look up where Ghana is.

There aren't any groups of 4 available in Ghana. We think the will show up. Is that you God? Seriously, is that you? Is this your plan? Will you bring them to us? Did we miss understand? Is this our will and not yours? Could you send us a sign? A lightening bolt would do nicely...

This sure isn't easy...

I'm Done

2011-03-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. After four and a half years, I am finally done with my masters degree. This has been such a long road. I never imagined how much time and effort this would take.

Because my undergrad work was in Linguistics, I did not have any of the needed prerequisites for a business degree so the first 2 years were spent just completing all the pre work. During that time I took a statistics class. At the beginning of that quarter my beloved Grandpa got sick and near the end of that quarter he died. So needless to say I was pretty distracted that quarter.

Once I finally got into the program, the first class I took was statistics. During that same quarter I started a new job in a new department. The department itself was brand new and we were rolling out our new logistics system. We did this starting on the east coast which meant 4am wake up calls and long hours. (6am is seriously pushing it for me.) Now remember that I was distracted during my foundation statistics course so I had a shaky start to begin with and then I was sleep deprived. And the result was academic probation. What a nasty start to grad school.

It finally came time for me to wrap things up. In the past my school has required graduating students to compile a portfolio of their best work over a wide scope of subjects and styles. Summer was the first quarter that they went to the case study format. Summer quarter they used one company to do a case study on doing a comprehensive analysis. Fall quarter they choose to do building a statistical model as the case study. And oh luck me, that is where I fell into the timeline. Yup, it had all come full circle. I was scheduled to graduate in early December. While I had received passing grades in my prior statistics classes, I had really struggled. I had no idea what I was doing this fall but I researched and worked and worked. But my best was not good enough. In November I was told that I was not graduating. Ooooo nelly I was not happy. I knew my best was not good enough but that didn't change the fact that I was not happy. In fact, out of 10 of us scheduled to graduate that quarter, 3 others were given this same news. One such person I had worked with several times before and I know is a really good student. If this guy couldn't pass, there was a serious problem. The good news is that I was not told that was it or that I had to start over, just that the timeline was going to be later than expected.

A few weeks ago I finally got the okay to move forward. The final step was to present my case study to a panel of professors. At 2:30pm I arrived at school. The appointment was not until 3:00pm but I was not taking any chances of being late. I made my presentation. Then they asked me questions for a while. At 3:54 I was asked to step out into the hallway while they decided my fate. I could see a clock from where I sat. 5 minutes passed and I got a little nervous thinking how long can it possibly take to decide if I did well. 10 minutes passed and I got really nervous thinking they must be having a significant debate or they have decided that I have not passed and they are trying to decide what to tell me. 15 minutes passed and my professor came out into the hallway and said "congratulations". She then said "we got to talking and then said oh she must be out there wondering". Ummm..... YOU THINK!?!?!?!?

The point is that I can finally say I have a Masters in Business Administration.

USCIS Appt Scheduled

2011-03-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

We got the letters in the mail today saying that our USCIS fingerprinting appointments are scheduled for April 1st at 8am. Yes, April Fools Day. :) You don't get to pick or request your appointment time. The tell you when and you show up. Just that simple.

If you are trying to figure out what on earth USCIS fingerprints are, let me explain. This is the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. We mailed in our i-600a Application for Advance Processing or Orphan Petition a couple weeks ago. If you are doing the math, yes we delayed a little bit from when we got our homestudy to when we stuck our application in the mail. Gasp. I know, everyone thinks you should be in a huge rush to process an adoption as soon as humanly possible. Well our 4 haven't showed themselves yet so it doesn't really matter at this point. The i-600a is a request for pre-permission for our kids to immigrate to the U.S. The fingerprinting in the next step in getting our i-171h (the form you get when your i-600a gets approved).

So we will wait to get fingerprinted and then once we get fingerprinted we will wait to get our i-171h and then we will submit our dossier (documents to the Ghanaian government saying why we think they should let us adopt). But it all hinges on our 4 showing themselves, that is when the real timeline begins. Come out, come out, wherever you are! :)

Feeling Squirrelly

2011-03-02T16:51:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling squirrelly this past week. Yes, I know "squirrelly" is not a real word. Josh and I were just discussing how to spell it. To clarify he said "like you have squirrels running around in your stomach". I told him it is more like I have squirrels running around in my head, but yes. I am feeling squirrelly for our 4. I don't really know how to explain what I am feeling. It is not quite that I am anxious, although that is true. It is not quite that I am longing for them, although that is true. They have just been on my mind. There are times when I think about them often and at times not as much. Sometimes I suddenly feel overwhelmed and anxious for them. Sometimes I long to hug them and it is all that I can see in my mind because all other thoughts are overshadowed by this image. And right now I feel squirrelly for them. I often wonder if these feelings are just me and my naturally anxious mind and heart. I wonder if these feelings are connected to what is going on in their little lives. Is this the day that they are abandoned? Is this the day that a parent dies? Is someone taking advantage of the fact that they don't have anyone to protect them? When I let myself ask these questions I start to cry. I know the facts; Our children will have been hurt by the events that lead them to our arms. I have to remember that our God is watching them and that He is the master healer. And while I do know that, my mind spins and I feel squirrelly for our 4... wherever they are.

So close!

2011-02-20T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am so close to being done with school. I just finished my very last (of too many) edits on my case study. I also wrote my letter of transmittal and found my transcripts. Now all I have to do is get this thing printed and bound, delivered or mailed to my professor, prepare to defend it, and of course defend it. By defend it, I mean that I have to present it to a panel of professors on March 9th and defend it from any questions that they throw at me. Assuming that I am given a passing grade, I will be done for ever! Oh I hope I never go crazy enough to go back to school again! I've had enough!

No news on the adoption front. We still wait on the i-600 (immigration form). And no group of 4 little faces have shown up. So we wait. I find myself envious of other families how have a timeline in place, who are moving forward. But I am completely obsessed by wishing for this as I have been in the past. Who knows, by the time this is all over maybe I will have learned some patience.

Now what?

2011-01-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

I told a friend the other day that our amended homestudy should arrive any day now and that will allow us to file our i-600a. She asked me "then what?" I couldn't resist and said "we wait... duh!"

Adopt involves LOTS of waiting. Hurry up, wait, hurry up, wait some more, and then... oh yah... WAIT! You can certainly go crazy with all of the waiting. A wonderful woman at church told me that I needed to wait until our children were ready for us and until we were ready for them. This made no sense to me at the time. In fact I said "but I don't want them sitting in an orphanage longer than they have to, I have to find them so I can go get them!"

We still think we are supposed to be looking for a full sibling set of 4. And guess what... there aren't any! So all the hurrying in the world on our end isn't going to make them show up any faster. So I have learned to let go... most of the time. I am feeling pretty annoyed that our homestudy hasn't shown up yet but I'm not too worked up about it. Now if we had found our little names and faces, then I think I would feel differently.

I think people often see the waiting as a negative if/when considering adoption. From my experience in reading hundreds of blogs, is that it normally takes about a year. You have to think of that time as including trying to conceive. We all know that being pregnant takes 9 months. I don't know first hand, but trying to get pregnant usually takes at least 3 months. So there you have a year (or more) with the biological route.

I know I have said that I feel pregnant by paper, but really the paperwork stage is more like trying to conceive. With adoption that can take 6-9 months. Once you have little names and faces, it is more like being pregnant in that your timeline becomes more specific, you know gender and age, you can plan more, etc. With adoption that can take 3-6 months. The timing is a little different but it all adds up to be very similar.

So if you have ever thought about adoption and you let the timing trip you up, don't. God's timing is always perfect.

SO pregnant

2011-01-22T17:55:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy comes in different forms, baby in the belly or baby in the paperwork, but I can tell you that a lot of the symptoms are the same. I am easily as emotional as any pregnant woman. I have told you about this before but it continues.

A couple weeks ago we were helping with sunday school. They bring the classes together for singing and then split up again by age groups for class. There was a little boy about 3 years old clinging to his older brother crying and whimpering not to be split up. He wanted to stay with his brother so badly. For a moment he looked up at me and I was just a hair away from meltdown. My mind was screaming 'wait, you can't split up siblings, NO, THEY HAVE TO STAY TOGETHER, I'LL DO IT, wait... oh ya this is church, they will be back together in an hour'. I had to stare at a spot on the wall and focus on breathing so as not to cry. I knew full well that I had lost my mind.

Recently I find myself near tears without even anything to get me started. I know it has to do with me waiting and hoping for our kids to show themselves.

I just wish I had a due date..... :)

I have to do this again?!

2011-01-14T19:48:00.001-08:00

Normally I get up at 6:40am in order to get to work at 8:00am. For some crazy reason I made a 7:00am doctor appointment. Of course the good thing is being able to get to work on time but the very very painful part is the waking up at 5:40am. Anything even 10 minutes earlier than normal is super difficult for me. I just don't do mornings.

On Thursday my alarm went off at the crack of dawn hour of 5:40am. I drug my sorry behind out of bed and got myself up and ready. The entire 15 minute drive was in the dark. When I got to the doctor's office at 7:00am (which is only 20 minutes after when I normally wake up) I gave the lady at the desk my name and then waited as she looked up my information. And I waited. She asked me for more information and she checked some more. And then.... she looked at me and said.... your appointment is tomorrow. What?! I just stared at her and then finally said "you mean I have to do this again tomorrow?!?"

Yeah, it was down in calendar for Friday. All week I had struggled with what day it was. On Wednesday, I thought it was Monday. I just showed up on the wrong day.

Needless to say, I drove straight to Starbucks! I do however know that today is Friday and I am so looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow!

Too much information?

2011-01-12T19:31:00.000-08:00

Adoption involves so many joys, so many frustrations, so many hopes, and so many tears. Some people who blog about their adoption choose to focus on the positive. They are still telling the true story but they choose to primarily tell the high points. And I can totally understand why.

So here is my question: How much to share? I'm not talking about privacy. I won't be sharing my children's every personal detail; I know better than that. But during this process, how much is too much information?

I don't want to scare people away from adoption but in a way I sometimes feel that by sharing more it might actually encourage adoption, that a person might feel like they actually know what is involved and be encouraged by feeling like they can handle that.

So what do you think? You can post a comment, reply on facebook, email, whatever works. Keep in mind that while I am inviting opinion, I am not inviting judgement (judgement of what I write or of what other people write). But I do want to hear what is helpful and/or interesting.

Book Review: I was a really GOOD MOM before I had kids

2011-01-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

My sister (and her husband of course) gave me this book for Christmas. I really enjoyed reading it. The authors write about the modern day pressures, both from others and from self, to be supermom. It is full of funny quotes from moms about their "dirty secrets" such as purposely letting the milk run out so that she has to make a run to the store alone and then savors the peace and quite the whole way. I highly suggest this book to anyone who is a mom (with little children or grown children) or who is planning to become a mom someday. If you are interested, let me know and I'll let you borrow it.

Why is an orphan an orphan?

2011-01-07T20:46:00.000-08:00

Why is an orphan an orphan? This is a question I never asked back in the day. An orphan is someone who has no parents and no family to take them in, right? The only other children up for adoption are babies born to 16 year old girls who aren't ready to be mothers, right?

It's just not that simple. It's not pretty. It's painful.

Some "orphans" are truly parentless. Why are they parentless? Rarely it is due to a car accident or something like that which comes to your mind. Most parentless children are orphaned due to preventable causes like HIV or malaria.

Some "orphans" have parents whose parental rights have been terminated. This is not very common, especially when you are looking at adoption in sub-Saharan Africa.

Some "orphans" have parents who abandon them. They leave them for all of the possible reasons imaginable. Perhaps they hope that their child will have a better chance if abandoned and put up for adoption. Perhaps they are selfish. In these cases it is often unknown.

Some "orphans" are babies that we normally don't call "orphans". They are what you first picture when you hear the word "adoption". They are infants, relinquished at birth to a couple just bursting with joy at opportunity to take this baby home, give this baby their family name, and call them "my son" or "my daughter".

Some "orphans" have parents who love them dearly. The children know and love their parents. So why on earth would a parent part with their beloved children? Because they must. Because they love their children too much to risk their children's lives and well being for the dear sweetness of keeping their family together. Can you imagine being stricken with such poverty that you believe your child is actually better off going through the trauma of being placed in an orphanage and then entrusted to a stranger to raise as their own? Is it right that a parent should have to give up a child out of poverty? How is that fair to the parents or children? If it comes to be that my children come from this scenario, how will I feel watching my children grieve the loss of their birth family knowing that this was all caused by a lack of money?

Why do I share this with you? I guess I am just processing this myself. I am trying to come to terms with the last scenario. This process has brought me to face questions of global equality.

For 13 years now I have been wanting to adopt and yet I am learning that adoption always comes with trauma and pain. Any reason that causes a child to be separated from his or her parents is traumatic, even if given up at birth. Adoption is blessed by God but that doesn't mean it isn't without its scares.

Book Review: Adoption is a Family Affair

2011-01-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

This book, Adoption is a Family Affair, is part of our required reading. (No, I'm not joking. You actually get a list from your agency of required reading.) This book is not a mainstream book and so it was published on a more small scale. It does have a fair number of typos and not all aspects of it will apply to all families, but definitely still worth reading. It is a very quick read. I think my mom read it in 2 hours.

The fact is that when you decide to adopt, you make that decision for your family and friends too. All of a sudden they have to rethink what they expected and try to figure out what the right thing to say and do is in all of this. It's not their decision and yet it impacts them. For that reason I think this is a great book for anyone who is: adopting, thinking about adopting, related to someone who is adopting, and/or friends with someone who is adopting. Whether you agree or disagree with that loved one's decision, this book will help you think through your own thoughts, how to handle things, and what you can do to be supportive.

Josh & I already read it. My parents read it while we were in Mexico. And my mother-in-law has it now. It is currently available on half.com for just $2.40 or you are welcome to borrow my copy once it circles through those of my family who want to read it. Just say the word.

The Many Uses of Coconut Oil

2011-01-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

Recently I came across a recipe for homemade deodorant. Now you might ask why a person would ever want to go making deodorant but the answer seems quite obvious, because you can! Besides that, it seems more natural (all the chemicals we use in life kinda freaks me out) and it could possibly save money.

How did it go, you ask? Pretty good. I like it and think it actually works better than the store bought stuff. But my skin seems irritated by its granular nature. My mom said that it didn't bother her skin so I am going to try it again in a month or so and see if I get any different results.

One of the primary ingredients is coconut oil and the jar I bought is much larger than what I needed so I have lots of leftovers. It turns out that there are lots of uses for coconut oil. There are many cooking uses but the most interesting to me is the applications for healthy hair. My mom and I made the deodorant together and during that time we read on the side of the jar that the oil was good for hair so of course we had to try it. It seemed to be beneficial but I think it is something that you have to do more than once to really see the results so I am trying it again right now. (I put it in my hair an hour ago and I will wash it out in the shower in the morning.)

When we came to the fork in the road from wanting to adopt from Russia to wanting to adopt from Ethiopia (which later changed to wanting to adopt from Ghana), one of my first thoughts when considering Ethiopia was 'if I get a little girl I won't know how to do her hair.' This felt so silly and yet I couldn't figure out how I could be a good mom to a child if I couldn't handle this most basic need.

Someone turned me on to a fantastic blog site called Happy Girl Hair. (I am so sorry to the person who gave me the tip of this site because I can't remember who it was.) It is written by a white woman who adopted 2 girls from Ethiopia. Her examples are so very helpful to moms, especially to moms with daughters who have a totally different type of hair than their own. I love this site because she goes step by step through all kinds of hair styles, gives updates as to how those styles held up, and reviews on products.

It turns out that there is a whole world of hair products out there that I never even knew about. And one of the hair products/treatments that she recommends is... you guessed it! Coconut oil! So I am one step closer to being ready to bring home a little girl. We do not have a preference of boys vs girls, but if we do have a daughter I know that I will love reading through Happy Girl Hair in detail.

Oh, and the coconut oil left on your hands from spreading in your hair, its good for your skin too!Josh officially thinks I am crazy for making my own deodorant and putting coconut oil in my hair, but I'm okay with that. :)

Another step forward

2010-12-30T18:27:00.001-08:00

I think with all of my updates, trying to string them all together has become rather confusing. So I am going to do a little summary before giving you an update.

13.33 years ago - I spent a couple hours at a Romanian orphanage and my desire to adopt started.

13 years ago - I meet my husband, a man whose heart would be open to the idea of adoption.

11.5 years ago - I married my true love.

Initially - We planned on adopting from Russia. I spent a year there and my parents are currently missionaries there, so it seemed to make sense.

The past few years - Adoption from Russia has become more difficult. It began to feel like we needed to consider other countries. During this same time frame, the idea of having 4 kids starting coming up in my mind more and more often.

7.5 months ago (Mother's Day 2010 to be exact) - We finally started the process by putting our adoption agency (WACAP) application in the mail. At this point we started working on our homestudy. Ultimately our homestudy would be written approving us for up to 4 children and children who are up to age 12.

3 months ago - Our homestudy was completed and we were moved from the homestudy department to the Ethiopia program department within our agency. We received a call to discuss the Ethiopia program. During that call we did not feel that they were very supportive of our hopes to adopt 4 siblings at once. In fact I felt torn after that call. As a result I contacted a woman that I had found via the blog world. This woman had adopted 4 at once from Ethiopia and so I looked to her for advice and prayer. She suggested that I look at rainbowkids.com. This lead to us change agencies, to Hopscotch Adoptions. But changing agencies means more paperwork! :)

3 weeks ago - I submitted the last of the needed paperwork needed to change agencies.

Today - I got the email that our application was accepted by Hopscotch. As my mom said: "a mother sized step forward".

Next - Now that our application has been accepted, our homestudy can be amended. Why does it need to be amended? Because it was written for Ethiopia. Every country has slightly different requirements.

Once the homestudy is amended - Then we can submit our i-600 (request to US immigration for permission to immigrate children).

At some point in the near-ish future - We will be contacted with an appointment date and time to get fingerprinted for our i-600.

Once our i-600 is approved - Then we can file our dossier. (Maybe we can do this simultaneously with the i-600. I'm not entirely sure just yet.)

Once we have a referral (names & faces) and approval on the i-600 (which takes approximately 2 months) and our dossier submitted - Then we request a court date.

Once a court date is requested - We wait. I have heard that the timeframe for this varies greatly. I believe that 3 months is an approximation.

Once we have a court date - We fly to Ghana where we will meet our children and go to court. I think at that point we legally become parents to our children.

Approximately 2 weeks after arriving in Ghana - We will leave.... without our children. I'm not sure how we are going to explain this to them. I do dread this part already.

At some point during all of this - We request visas for our children.

Once the US Embassy issues visas for our children (I think approximately 1 month after leaving Ghana) - We return to Ghana.

Approximately 1 week later - We bring our children home!

It's a long journey. Based on my experience so far, I think the adoption process involves 1% of the time spent on paperwork and 99% of the time spent waiting. One step at a time; we keep moving forward towards meeting our children, hugging our children, and bringing our children home.

If you are asking how you can pray for us, let me answer that question. I will admit that I struggle with feeling anxious. It's not so much that I am in a hurry. It is more that I worry about not being in the right place at the right time in order for our children to find their way to us and for us to find our way to them. That might sound silly. It is really difficult to explain. So there are 2 things you can pray for:

That God will bring our children to us. That He will guide the adoption agency staff to find our children and connect us with them.
That I might be able to let go and trust Him. The closer we get to being connected with our children, the more I struggle with this.

Thank you for your love and support that you demonstrate by walking beside us in the process.

11 Days in Paradise

2010-12-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

I am currently sitting in the lobby of the Riu Pacifico Palace in Puerto Vallarta Mexico. We have checked out of our room and leave for the airport in about an hour. We have spent the past 11 days and 10 nights relaxing in paradise. We arrived on Thursday and had a couple of days by ourselves before my parents showed up on Saturday. Then my aunt and uncle showed up on Sunday.

Unfortunately, late Saturday night is when I got hit with the flu. I got so sick that I drug my pillows into the bathroom and just slept on the floor. I bounced back pretty quickly for the most part but then Josh got hit with it 2 days later. He was a little slower to recover. But I have never been sick in such a nice place. At least I didn't have to do any cooking or cleaning while feeling so awful.

In spite of getting so sick, we still had a great time. We sat on the pool deck looking out towards the ocean everyday. I spent my time sleeping late (very late), chatting, eating, relaxing, thinking, and praying. It was a great trip but I am also looking forward to getting home. Back to the real world.

Promoted

2010-12-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

Right around the first of November, my boss announced that he had accepted another position within the company. So of course I applied for his old job. Over the course of the past month I had 4 interviews. The last interview was this past Tuesday. I was told that I was the last person and that they would be making a decision later Tuesday or early Wednesday.

So of course, being the patient person that I am, I was waiting hopefully all day Wednesday for news. Thursday rolled around and I knew that there was no guarantee that I would hear that day either, but I also knew that if I didn't hear until Friday there was a serious increase in the risk of me having a heart attack.

Early Thursday, a coworker's boyfriend misdialed and got my number instead. I don't get many calls at works so when the phone ran I got excited only to hear the wrong voice when I answered the call. Thankfully I got the call that I was hoping for later that day. Not only did I get the call but I got the answer I wanted, I got the job!

When I found out that I would not be graduating on time I was disappointed. In the back of my mind I knew that I would still graduate but just a couple months later than planned, but I knew that if I didn't get this job that the opportunity was not going to come again anytime soon. And I definitely do not want anything to sidetrack our adoption. I had 3 major things going on at the same time. And sometimes you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it. So if I had to be disappointed, it definitely came in the right category. This promotion is something that I have wanted for a long time and the raise that comes along with it will help with our plans for Josh to become a stay at home dad. We were prepared for him to stay home either way but this will just make it that much easier.

Life just continues to be exciting!

Why don't I cry?

2010-12-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

We just finished a movie. I won't tell you which movie because I don't want to spoil it for you. But the movie took place in New York. The movie starts with getting to know the characters, then the problem develops, and then comes resolution. A pretty typical movie. In the last ten minutes of the movie, the main character was looking out the window of a sky scrapper. And then there was a reference to Tuesday, September 11th, 2001. Immediately I starting saying to myself "please don't show it, please don't show it, please". They didn't. But I still cried. Cried for real. The memory of that day is still so disturbing. 2,998 people died that day. (I refuse to include the 19 terrorists in that number.) Its been 9 years, 2 months, and 23 days... and I still cry.

We all watched the news coverage on the trapped miners in Chile. We were on pins and needles waiting to see if those 33 lives could be saved. Multiple websites report that the BBC spent 100,000 British Pounds (aka $157,00 USD) on reporting the events in Chile. The rescue effort cost somewhere between $10-20million.

Malaria kills 2,000 children every day. Why don't I cry for these lives lost?

Just $18 provides insecticide treated bed nets for an entire family. These bed nets can be used for approximately 4 years!

13,000 children die from malnutrition related causes every day. Why don't I cry for these lives lost?

$17 provides seeds to a family, allowing them to eat not just today but tomorrow and the day after.

It is estimated that 17 million children have been orphaned due to AIDS... and the number keeps rising. Adoption is wonderful for children who need a mommy and daddy. But never losing their birth parents in the first place is so much better. AIDS and HIV is preventable. It's stoppable. This doesn't have to happen.

Is there a price on human life? They say that a life is priceless.... is it? Are some lives worth less than others? If all life is priceless, why do people die every day from completely preventable causes? Why isn't this on the news everyday? And why don't I cry for them?

World HIV/AIDS Day

2010-11-30T22:47:00.000-08:00

Did you know that Dec 1st is World HIV/AIDS Day? Yah, I didn't either. This adoption journey has brought me to learn so much more about so many things, one of which is HIV. I realize now that what I knew about it was based on what I learned back in high school. I hate to admit it, but that was a while ago now. I am still learning and I am going to ask you to do so also. If you truly believe that God loves everyone, then you believe that he loves every person who has HIV/AIDS. And for that reason alone you should be willing to learn more, learn about what is afflicting so many of His precious children. This includes those children with HIV waiting to be adopted and perhaps the person standing next to you in line at the grocery store.

If your knowledge about this subject is based on what you learned in high school like me, let me give you a couple facts in order to help peak your interest:

Antiretroviral medication for people living with HIV/AIDS now costs about $140/year, down from $10,000 just 10 years ago.
A child today with HIV and treatment can expect to live a normal life expectancy.

How can you learn more? Easy! Watch a video, get answers to FAQs, or read a blog about a real family (you can read about HIV specifically if you "read by subject" on the right hand side or you can just enjoy reading all of her posts about their normal life with normal kids, one just happens to have HIV). These are just 3 resources that I have found helpful but if you are really interested, there are many more out there. I hope you will join me in learning more.

I am thankful for so much

2010-11-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

I have so much for which to be thankful. Family, friends, safety, comfort, choices, opportunity... The list is so long. Lately I have been thinking alot about this. There are so many things that I take for granted.

In class this Tuesday, we were discussing global access to education for women. Education is not a given for boys or girls in some countries. And when I say this I am talking about basic education, not just access to an university education.

We live in a country where people eating too much is a very common and epidemic problem. We eat more than our bodies actually need every day. I know I do. And to celebrate all of our blessings, once a year, we eat even more than that.

This makes me this of the story of the good Samaritan. (Prior to this passage Jesus has been telling the people to love their neighbor.)

Luke: 29-36 NLT
The man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Jesus replied with an illustration: "A Jewish man was traveling on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road. By chance a Jewish priest came along; but when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised Samaritan cam along, and when he saw the man, he felt deep pity. Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with medicine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two pieces of silver and told him to take care of the man. 'If his bill runs higher than that,' he said, 'I'll pay the difference the next time I am here.' "Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?" Jesus asked. The man replied, "the one who showed him mercy." Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same".

The world is a small place. We watch the morning news and we know about the effects of the earthquake in Haiti. We know that malaria kills almost 1 million people per year. We know that more than 4,200 children die every day from diseases caused by unsafe drinking water and sanitation. We can't just turn our heads and say "oh oops, I didn't know."

So at what point do I become the Jewish priest that crossed to the other side of the road to avoid contact with the inconvenient truth? If I acknowledge the problem but do nothing about it, am I the Temple assistant that looked at the man but then continued on? I can't save everyone so what am I supposed to do? The Samaritan in the Bible story did not save everyone but he did come to the aid of the person in from of him. But the world is so small and the tv and internet put so many people in my path; I can't help them all. I believe that this is the burden of wealth and blessings. When God blesses us, He expects us to use that for more than just ourselves. I have said before that I believe that God speaks to us through our hearts.

I am so thankful for all the blessings that God has given me. And I am honored and privilaged to use my life for Him. I do believe that we will all be held accountable for our action or inaction. I only hope that I can answer well when it comes my time to answer to God for my life.

Some clarity

2010-11-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

As you know, this adoption process has been an emotional roller coaster for me. But today I have found some clarity.

For weeks now I have been agonizing over every little detail. I have attempted to control something which cannot be controlled. For the longest time I have said that God knows exactly who are kids are and all we have to do is find them. I have been so worried about finding them. What if I find them too slowly and they have to wait longer than necessary? What if they get hurt in the meantime? What if I don't find them at all? But I had it all wrong. I don't need to find them. God has not placed that burden on me; I placed it on myself. God will bring our children too us. I have to stop looking at every waiting list photo looking for them. I have to stop trying to predict who they are just so I can buy their clothes and toys months before they will ever need them. I have to stop.

Josh has said for a while now that he wants to wait until our i-600 (immigration form) gets approved before we expect to find them. I just wasn't listening. I know what I need to do now but here comes the hard part, I have to do it. I have to let go of control. I have to let go of the control I never had in the first place. I have to trust God. I have to trust God to take care of my kids until we can get them home. I have trust God to bring them to us.

I have to note that this clarity did not come to me as a sudden revelation. Multiple people have come to me to verbalize to me what God has been saying. Yes, I am a slow learner. Perhaps this blog is going to become the "what not to do guide to adoption"? :)

So I want to ask you to pray for me. I know what I need to do but I need your prayers for the strength to let go and trust God. This is so simple and so difficult all at the same time.

Highs and lows

2010-11-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

I seem to alternate between highs and lows lately.

I was so very excited about graduating and was counting the days. Then I learned that my timeline would not be as short as I expected. It is official. The good news is that I do not have to pay tuition again and I do not have to start over. The only thing that has really changed is the timing. It is not the end of the world but I was so looking forward to crossing this off my list. I feel like I have too many big things going on at once.

My biggest highs and lows have come from the adoption process. I feel bad writing about this. I feel like I am just going on and on about the emotional stuff. But at this point that is the majority of it. It seems to be lots of emotions combined with waiting, hurrying up, waiting, hurrying up, waiting, and then waiting some more. Sometimes I wonder about women being emotional during pregnancy because at times I feel so emotional.

I never expected this process to be as difficult as it is. I hate to say this because as I have said before, I really want my writing to encourage people to adopt and certainly not to discourage. But I have to be honest and this is so very difficult.

You hear about the costs and you hear about the waiting. But you don't hear about the wondering, the thinking and rethinking, and the difficult questions.

Would you take an infant?
Would you take a toddler?
Would you take a school age child?
Would you take a teenager?
Are you sure? Are you really sure?
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

Would you take 1 child?
Would you take 2 children?
You would prefer 4?!?
Are you sure? Are you really sure?
Do you know what you are getting into yourself into?

Would you consider a child with delayed development?
Would you consider a child with a deformity?
Would you consider a child with severe dental problems?
Would you consider a child with fetal alcohol exposure?
Would you consider a child with a scars or birth marks?
Oh, this list goes on and on and on.

They are all very real questions. Questions you have to answer and you have to be realistic. And they are so very very difficult. And then you think and rethink and think them over again.

If you are considering older children you probably look at waiting lists. These are lists of children who are ready to be adopted and are just waiting for someone to claim them as their own forever. And you look at their faces. So many faces.

I think that in many ways it must be easier to adopt an infant. The wait times are normally longer but when the time comes a baby become available and you are asked a simply yes/no question.

This stuff is not for the faint at heart. But perhaps this is as it should be. Children shouldn't come easily.

Patience is just not my thing

2010-11-13T10:44:00.001-08:00

Patience is just not my thing....

On Friday I got a call saying that me graduating this quarter is in question. Oh but the person I need to talk to is not available until Monday. SO stressful! Good news is that I am not the only one. 4 out of 10 of us are in the same boat. Its not good news for them but it is good for me in the sense that we will have to figure this out together.

Adoption paperwork is still in process. Its a hurry up and wait game. If you are trying to catch up on where we are at let me summarize:

Our new agency, Hopscotch, is still working on our application. So technically we are not yet a part of their program.
Our homestudy is being amended for Ghana (instead of Ethiopia which is how the original written).
Once our homestudy is done we can file our i-600 (immigration form)
Once our homestudy is done we can submit our dossier (forms sent to Ghana)

I'm not sure when exactly were are eligible for an official referral. It might be after the homestudy is done or it might be after the i-600 is submitted, but either way those documents all get done within a pretty short time frame. A referral means that a child or children are officially referred to you in order that you can claim them as your own. It is at that point that you get all of their information. I told you before how we fell in love with some little faces before off of the rainbowkids site. The problem was that it was way too early to go falling in love. They were not a referral. I'm not sure how you avoid this. I think adoption requires being open to the possibility of heart break, much in the same way that trying to get pregnant when it doesn't happen right away or even a miscarriage. Having children requires alot from a person, no matter how you go about getting those little ones. So the next steps, after all the initial paperwork steps, are:

The i-600 takes 1-2 months to get approved. Nothing can move forward until this is done.
Then (assuming we have a referral at that point) they start requesting court dates for us. (I think, I am a little unclear on things after the paperwork phase.)
Then we travel to Ghana for a first trip, meet our children-to-be, and do court stuff. (Again, I am not entirely clear on this part.)
Then we return to the states for about 1-2 months until court things get resolved. Or maybe it is visa things.... (Visa like for their passports, not visa like you use at the mall.)
Then you return to Ghana for a second trip and get to bring your babies home.

I had hoped that keeping a blog during the process would serve to help others learn more about the process and for loved ones to be able to keep up with us, but I think it is only serving to confuse people. I think at times I confuse myself. It is just not a simple straight line.

I have been reading blogs of people who have adopted from Ghana and it seems that the time lines vary quiet a bit. This appears to be due to circumstances outside of their control such as "passing court" in Ghana or getting visas for the kids from the US embassy. So I have started trying to avoid reading these parts as they only make me anxious. For a control freak like me, I think this adoption process might actually take a year or two off of my life. It's worth it though. I think if someone offered to take 5 years off my life in exchange for bringing my kids home tomorrow I would take the deal. Heck, I think I would take that deal just to know exactly who are children-to-be are.

So why on earth am I shopping when we are still at this point in the process? Well I bought school supplies in September just in case we got school age kids home during the school year. I bought 6 backpacks just to make sure I had every size and gender covered. Last week I bought a lifetime supply of body butter because one should "always be prepared". Are you seeing a trend? The problem is that because there are so many unknowns, I am inclined to try to prepare for every situation. It's a little nutty, I know. I am just so excited.

When I said in my last post that I daydream about them, I have daydreamed about them for at least 5 years now. At first I envisioned being in a Russian orphanage and meeting 2 little ones. Then I envisioned embracing 2, maybe 4, little Ethiopians. Now I envision travelling to Ghana. Now I actually envision embracing one at a time (not sure why) so even my daydream is unclear on how many. I still hope for 4...

Like I said, patience is not my thing. I think my deep desire to plan and prepare is my way of cooping.

Daydreams

2010-11-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about my kids... over and over and over and over again. I think about our first hug. I see it in my mind and imagine that embrace. It is not realistic. I know that my kids will be intimidated and scared during that first meeting. They may or may not choose to hug me. And if they do it won't be like what is in my head. In my head I practically tackle them out of pure joy. I'm pretty sure that would only serve to scare them. But I am going to enjoy these daydreams for now until I know more about our children-to-be.

Black Friday is coming and I would just LOVE to be able to shop for them... maybe next year. But there are some things which are generic enough that I can buy now. One idea I am excited about is those little key chain mini digital photo frames. The ones that are supposed to hold 50 photos. I have the idea of giving them to our kids on our first trip. We will meet them and then have to leave them for 1-2 months before we can go back and get them.

I'm sure there are so many things that I will be able to justify needing for our children-to-be during that pre-crack-of-dawn shopping event. But I have to remember not to go too crazy; We have to have some money left over to pay for all the adoption fees. (Someday after the fact I will write a post about what the costs were as that is common question. A question I had in the pre-paperwork days. But right now it involves alot of estimates.) Hehe. Maybe I will have to drag Josh along with me as my voice of reason!

One Moment In Time

2010-11-10T17:22:00.001-08:00

I have told you a little about this before but I though you might like to actually see it. This is where it all began. Look at this picture. What do you see?

I'll tell you what I see...

I had finished high school a couple months prior. I had just turned 18 a couple weeks prior. I was just weeks away from breaking up with my high school boyfriend. I was to leave for college in a month. That coming fall I would meet my husband-to-be. I had been in Romania for two weeks. I was with a group teaching English at a bible camp for a week. We were about to leave to head back to the states in a day or two. We stopped at this orphanage. I think we were only there for an hour, maybe two.

These kids were so starved for attention. I use that word very deliberately, starved. Have you ever been hungry? Without food for a day? What about years? Can you imagine being without attention, much less love, for years?!

During our adoption class (for those adopting children age 2+) we were asked to do an exercises. I am going to ask you to do the same one. Seriously, I am asking you to answer these questions. You will need to write them down. Please humor me. It really is not the same unless you actually get out a pen.

Write down 5 people in your life that you care most about.
Write down your 3 favorite memories.
Write down 3 traditions you look forward to. (ex: picking out the Christmas tree)

Ok, you are about to be adopted, taken to a strange country by strange people. They say they love you but you don't even know them. You are about to leave behind everything you have ever known.

Cross off #2 and 3 of your people you care about.
Cross off #3 of your memories.
Cross off #1 of your traditions.
Now go back and cross of #5 of your people you care about.
And cross off one more from your memories or traditions.

Kinda hurts doesn't it? And this is just an exercises...

Ok, now you are one of the ones that never gets adopted.

Cross off every line on your list. One at a time. Line by line. Do it.

Are you crying yet? I am.

When I look at this photo, I wonder where these children are now. I wonder if they ever found a family. Chances are they didn't....

Adoption can't be about a "rescue mission". You can't adopt because you want to "save" them any more than you can get pregnant because you want to have a baby that will give you unconditional love. You can't bring a puppy home from the pound and expect them to be so grateful to have a home that they never poop again. And a man cannot marry a woman who came from a previously abusive relationship and say "well at least I don't hit you" after forgetting their anniversary. In the same way you can't adopt a child and expect it to be easy from there on out because you did a "good deed". You certainly can't expect them to say thank you any more than any other child says thank you for having a home and a bed and food and a mom and a dad and love.

So why adopt? I don't know your answer. It is not the same for everyone. But I can give you my answer. I want to adopt because I believe that my children were born to another woman in another land. I believe they need me. I believe they are waiting for me. I believe they are mine.

I started this post with the intent of sharing a nice little story with you of where our adoption journey began... but I guess I took a tangent. I started this blog in hopes of advocating for adoption... and I still hope that is the result but it is just not a simple thing.

I look at that photo and I think it is funny how one small moment in time can shape so much of your life. I didn't know then what that moment would mean to me but with time it became very clear.

Body Butter Baby!

2010-11-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

So apparently our kids will be predispositioned to have super dry skin. I am not clear if this is true of all African Americans or just those having lived in Sub Saharan Africa. (I'm sure someone will clarify for me me now that I have publicly admitted my ignorance in this area.)

Yesterday a friend and I were out shopping. (Don't you just love the kind of friend that will join you on just an hour notice!) We stopped at Bath & Body Works. They had a special of buy 3 signature collection items and get 3 free. Plus I had a coupon for $10 off and a coupon for a free item. They let you combine all of these offers at once.

It is my understanding that body butter is the best for significantly dry skin. You know, I have to be prepared for when we get our kids home. Ok, I'm getting a little ahead of myself as we are still many months away from this, I know but who could pass up such a deal!

I was able to puchase all of these goodies (6 body butters and 1 triple moisture body cream) for just $39 with tax. I have no concept of how long this supply will last us but I think it is pretty safe to say that we are all set in this particular area.

Ghana - What I learned today

2010-11-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

So as you know, we have switch to Hopscotch Adoptions. With this agency change is a change of countries. So I have been doing some research on the country of Ghana. Here is what I have learned today:

A person from Ghana is Ghanaian.

Independence (from the UK): March 6, 1957

Currency: Cedis; currently 1.4 Cedis to 1 US$

GDP: $1,500 per capita; 201st in the world (comparision: US is 11th; Ethiopia is 218th)

Population: 24.3 million (comparision: Texas has 24.8 million)

Size: Slightly smaller than the state of Oregon

Literacy (among those over age 15): 57.9%

Time difference: 7hrs ahead of Pacific Time. When we go to bed they are about to wake up. When we eat breakfast they are eating dinner.

Life expectancy: 60.5 years

Religion: Christian 68.8%; Muslim 15.9%; Traditional 8.5%; Other .7%; None 6.1%

Languages: Asante 14.8%; Ewe 12.7%; Fante 9.9%; Boron 4.6%; Dagomba 4.6%; Dangme 4.3%; Dagarte 3.7%; Akyem 3.4%; Ga 3.4%; Akuapem 2.9%; Other 36.1% (now I have a BA in Linguistics and I had never heard of any of these.... maybe I should have paid more attention in school...)

Source: CIA World Factbook

Moving on

2010-11-01T17:19:00.001-07:00

One of the details that I left out of my earlier post, was that the 4 siblings we saw were in Ghana and with a different adoption agency. Picking an agency the first go round was difficult. It felt like such a scary decision as the agency you work with is your median between you and your adoption and can really make or break the experience. So the idea of changing agencies was equally intimidating.

I read everything I could find about Hopscotch Adoptions (the new agency) and went to yahoo adoption group for parents adopting/adopted from Ghana and asked if anyone knew anything about Hopscotch. I found good things and we felt comfortable with making the change. But we had told ourselves that we would not change agencies unless a sibling group compelled us to do so.

After the past few days we were left wondering why God would have allowed the events of the past two weeks to have occurred. We are still not clear on that but we do feel that it was for a reason. And we feel the need to move forward on faith. So we will be switching over to Hopscotch Adoptions' Ghana program. This means more paperwork and a little more money but it is also exciting. I can't explain it but it feels like the beginning of something truly big.

Well that's where we are at. We will continue to update you as we progress along our little journey. Thank you for all the support and encouragement we have received, especially lately.

Here is a little bit of info on Ghana: (copied from www.rainbowkids.com)
Ghana is a beautiful country about the size of Oregon. The ancient and historically significant country of Ghana is one of the five African nations along the northern coastline of the Gulf of Guinea. It is bordered on the west by Cote d'Ivoire, on the north by Burkina Faso, and on the east by Togo. The country consists mostly of low-lying savannah regions, with a central belt of forest. Children reside in orphanages or foster homes.

The children available for adoption from Ghana are generally age 2.5 and up. Occasionally babies do become available. Sibling sets and older children are also in need of forever families.

Married couples may adopt from Ghana. The country does not permit adoption by single parents. Parents must be between the ages of 25 and 50 and at least 21 years older than the child/children they wish to adopt.

The process is two trips or one longer trip of 6-8 weeks. The first trip is a short stay of around 5 days and 3-4 weeks later returning for a second trip of 10-14 days.

An adoption from Ghana is typically completed 6-9 months from dossier submission.

Been talking with God

2010-10-31T13:43:00.001-07:00

Today we went to church and almost immediately I started crying again. I'm telling you, this crying in public this is getting really old. As the church began to sing I just stood and read the words:

Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you
Lead me, lead me to the cross

I've been talking with God alot this weeknd...

How many times I have I sung this before?
Bring me to my knees.... Fine, I'm on my knees.
Ok! I admit it! I didn't mean it!
I didn't actually want to be brought to my knees!
I didn't mean it!
These words felt so loud in my head I actually expect those around me to turn and look at me.
Why is this so difficult? I am trying to do the right thing!
How could you dangle that carrot in front of me and then take half of it away!?!
Why would you let me fall in love with their little faces?
I want your blessings but I still want control! How can I let go?
It's too much to ask...

It made me realize something. After being disappointed just one time I am ready to build a wall around my heart, to not get too attached. One of the most difficult parts of bringing home older adopted children is getting them to let down their gaurd. They have been disappointed and let down so many times that they are in survival mode. Not only trying to survive with food and shelter but also trying to protect their little hearts. After just one heartbreak I am skidish. How much harder will it be for them? How long will it take for them to feel safe? To believe that it is true and not going to get yanked away?

I have no idea how we are going to navigate the road ahead. Yes, I know: God has a plan. But do you know how hard it is to follow Gods plan when you have to make big decisions along with way? Please pray that we will be able to make the right decisions, that we will be able to hear God's voice, and of course please pray for our children-to-be.

Unexpected heartache

2010-10-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

This is so much more difficult than I could have ever predicted. Yesterday I was on top of the world. Life was so good. And even in that moment I realized that a fall from so high would really hurt... and I was right. Today I anxiously checked my email for the news I had been dying to get; only what I read was not at all what I expected.

Since the early years of our marriage we have planned on adopting a sibling pair at one time. We never felt the strong need for an infant so we figured it made sense to keep a pair together. A couple of years ago I started thinking 4... yes 4 siblings all at one time! I don't know why 4. I remember specifically discussing it one day in the car and Josh saying that he would be open to it but it would be many many more years before we could afford it. I didn't want to wait that long so I said let's just plan on 2. But the nagging in my head, and most of all my heart, never went away. Lately it had felt stronger and stronger. Josh said that he was okay with it and we agreed that we could find a way to make it work financially. So we started to pursue the possibility.

Three weeks ago we were moved from the homestudy department of our agency over to the Ethiopia department. Two weeks ago our case worker called us to give us an intro to the program. During this she informed us that sibling groups of 2 are common, groups of 3 are rare, and they have never seen a group of 4. I know she was just trying to be realistic but we felt like she was pressuring us to give up any thoughts of 3 or 4 siblings. I felt torn. I didn't know what to do. As I have said before, I believe that God speaks through our hearts. He doesn't boom down from heaven. Rather he speaks softly in a voice that can be heard if you stop and listen quietly.

A month ago, or so, I stumbled across the blog of a woman who had adopted 4 at once. It is such a unique thing that I asked if we could email and she kindly obliged (which is big as I am a stranger and she has 7 kiddos to consume her time). So after our call with our case worker I emailed her. I told her how I felt torn and asked her to pray. I had felt strongly the need to ask her specifically for this help. She agreed and also suggested that I check out a website called rainbowkids.com. I had never heard of it. So I looked, and there were 4 beautiful faces. They were labeled "SIBLING GROUP OF 4". Now I believe God speaks softly but I also believe that at times he is very obvious. This felt obvious. We requested more information 11 days ago. We were told that the agency did not have details but that they were requesting details for us and would update us asap. At that point we did not know anything about them including their ages. We were guessing 3-10. We talked about it, prayed, thought, repeat, repeat, repeat. Their faces were in my minds eye everyday. A few days ago we were at the point that we were almost ready to commit to them in spite of so little information. We were ready to go. We were so ready.

Today I checked my email and there it was! Finally the answers we had been waiting for. Only it was not at all what I had waited for. The email stated that the 2 oldest are 8 and 10 years old but that the 2 youngest were no longer available. I was stunned to say the least. I shot back a reply to ask why and how. She explained that she did not have the details but that likely a family member said they could care for 2 of them but not all of them. At first I just stared. I didn't feel anything. And then it hit me. I started crying. And then I cried harder and then harder. Now let me note: I was at work. My office has 700 people and NO one has an office no matter their rank. Its just a big cubicle farm. I think this might teach me not to check my personal email at work. That was at about 9:15am. It is now 8:30pm and my eyes still burn, that salty scratchy feeling.

Thankfully I work with many dear friends. They all comforted me in their own way. Many said words to the effect of "God has a plan for you, he will bring you your children." I knew it to be true. And if the situation was reversed I probably would have said the very same words. And yet they were of no comfort to me.

We had long ago agreed very firmly that we would never split up a sibling group. Now in this case these kids are split up no matter what. In fact that is very common and we knew that. But we had said that we would never be the ones to do the splitting and so initially my mind was spinning so hard that both our immediate reactions was "no way, we can't take the 2 without the other 2". Of course the 2 little ones getting to stay with their family is a good thing. But we had let ourselves fall for them. When I first showed Josh their picture he said he didn't want to see any pictures. He said that he didn't want to fall for them until he knew it was for sure. But how can you choose who you adopt without knowing anything about them? Now I feel the same way.

I believe that God blesses adoption. In fact, I believe that he is the master of adoption having adopted all of us and loving us regardless of all our unlovable moments. But I do not believe that God designed adoption. I don't think it was in his design for a child to ever be without loving parents, in need of adoption. "Choosing" your children is not natural. It doesn't even feel right. How can we choose?

I do know that God has a plan for us. I do believe that He already knows exactly who our children are. But I am still brokenhearted. I thought we had found them. It seemed so perfect. I was so excited. At some time in the future we will look back at this and see that this was all a part of bringing us to the point we need to be to find our kids. But I am still hurting. It will pass. It already hurts less. But I never expected this heartache.

Operation Christmas Child

2010-10-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of operation Christmas child? It is the program that delivers shoe boxes filled with gifts to children all around the world. Josh has an annual tradition of attending a charity golf tournament with our old church. The proceeds of that tournament go to support operation Christmas child. This year I made up a shoebox for him to take with him and donate at the tournament.

Last Sunday our church made an announcement about operation Christmas child and how they would be gathering boxes again this year. And suddenly I started crying. All I could think was "I wonder if our kids will get one this year". I've told you before that adoption can bring with it inconvenient emotions that strike at any time and without warning.

So when you give in the future, to whatever cause, remember that you are not just parting with your money and/or time. Remember that you are giving to someone, to a person, to someone's child, maybe even to our children without even knowing it, and most certainly to a child of God.

Want to hear a funny story?

2010-10-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

Want to hear a funny story? This has nothing to do with adoption or finishing school. Just one of my clumsier moments in life.

This Sunday we were about to run out the door to church. At the last moment I decided I should take some medication. Josh was already out in the car. So I grabbed what appearred to be an almost empty water bottle. (We often have 1/2 empty ones laying around just waiting to make their way to recycling.) I always get the water in my mouth first and then pop the pill through my lips. So I took a big swig of water... or what I thought was water. Right away I knew something wasn't right but I couldn't figure out what. It tasted funny so after a few seconds (probably a couple seconds too many) I ran over to the sink to spit it out. Then my mouth started to burn and I knew what it was.... pure Russian vodka!

Ok, rewind a couple of months. I have had this decorative Russian decanter full of vodka for years. A few months ago I had some friends over for a girls night. We were testing out some mixed drinks and were in need of vodka for the recipe. So I opened up the good stuff. Well the bottle got to a point where there was only a little bit left and it was difficult to pour out of the decorative container. So I poured the remainer into an empty water bottle and put it up in the cupboard. Saturday night Josh can across this bottle in the cupboard and thought I had lost my mind again so he sat it out on the counter.... where I grabbed it and took a huge mouthful thinking it was water!

Well that was a surprise! I came out to the car still sputtering. Boy did Josh laugh when he heard the story!

Accept into the Ethiopia program

2010-10-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

We have been officially accepted into the Ethiopia program! This doesn't really mean anything other than our paperwork has moved from the homestudy department of our agency to the Ethiopia department. But its progress!

We got a call from our case manager called us and went over things. I don't think we really learned anything new except for what is normal in terms of siblings. We learned that sets of 2 is common. They have placed a few groups of 3 in the past but she doesn't remember them ever placing a group of 4. This was interesting. Maybe a group of 4 will come along and since it is very rare that anyone ever specifically say that they are interested in a group of 4 it would seem like a sign from above, don't you think? My mind has been kind of stuck on 4 lately. But then again maybe they are 2.... It is more common and financially and logistically easier.... But then again I don't think that matters. God's plan for us is his plan. So time will tell. :)

What to expect: Anniversaries will be rough

2010-10-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

In our adoption class we were told that anniversaries can be rough for kids, even if they were just toddlers when adopted. They tend to act up a little more than normal. Thankfully a little extra love and reassurance does the trick. But it is interesting to me that even a little one tunes into this even when they don't understand months and dates like that.

I read the blog of another woman the other day and I came across her retelling of they day her son prayed for another orphan. He saw a photo of an orphan and he got upset. His mom asked if he would like to pray for the baby and he proceeded to pray "God, baby hurt--give daddy...and mama..." "No starvin God" he prayed this over and over finishing with "Amen!" (I recommend reading the full story for yourself.) Here is the part the really got me: he was only 20 months at the time and obviously was younger when brought home. I used to think that a toddler couldn't understand or at least that they would forget. Naturally memories fade, but this little boy was praying that God would give this baby a mom, a dad, for protection, for food, and a family. He understood. He knew what he had been through. He hadn't just been through trauma; he remembered it. He understood. I'm not sure how to explain how that hits me.

The beautiful thing is that he developed a heart for others experiencing the same. I can only pray the same for our children.

What to expect: We might face rejection.

2010-10-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

Thankfully many people have walked this road before us. We attended a required 2 day class with our agency. One day was about adoption in general and the other was about adopting older kids. I have also learned so much from other people's blogs telling their own stories.

It is easier for me to tell you about these things now while they are hypothetical. Once they become real they will also become personal. I will want to respect our children's privacy and as such I do not plan on sharing all the details. But these details can be helpful if you are thinking through adoption. So I will try to share these things now when I can talk about them in general.

So today I will tell you about one thing that we have been told to expect. Because we are adopting older children, our children might very possibly reject one of us. It is most likely to be me. It is possible that our children will have had bad experiences with men in which case Josh might be the subject of rejection. It is more likely that they will have had less exposure to men in which case a relationship with a man would be a novelty. If our children have spent any significant amount of time in an orphanage (which is likely), it is possible that they might see a female caretaker as someone who feeds you but not does stick around for the tough stuff. So it is very possible that they will reject me. I have heard about this happening with others and for those who did not expect it they naturally took it pretty hard. I hope that expecting this would make it less painful for me. I don't know how it could be not painful at all as you would be both rejected and know that your child has experienced pain that no child should experience that would lead him/her to feel this way. So in this way I expect to be broken hearted. The hope that comes with this is that you will be able to teach them to trust again. But it will take time to prove to them that it really is safe to love us both.

Sorry, this is not really a cheery subject. But is something that I am sharing with you now because if/when it becomes personal, I might choose not to share.

Single digits!!!!

2010-10-06T16:55:00.000-07:00

As of last night, I now have only 9 classes to attend in order to complete my master's degree. Single digits!!! I estimate that between homework, reading, and class time I have about 100-120 hours left to put in.

I can totally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And on the other side of it is a trip to Mexico to celebrate! I can't wait!

Our homestudy is complete!

2010-10-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

Our homestudy is officially complete! This is a huge milestone. I am so glad to be done with it.

What next? Next our agency sends a form to the US government requesting permission for us to immigrate kiddos. I am told it takes about 2 months to get approved. After that we officially go on the waitlist.

In the meantime I am still working on our dossier. This the set of documents for the Ethiopian government. I have gotten everything authenticated except 2 documents, which are our medical forms. I got them once already but the WA Secretary of State rejected them because the notary's seal did not have an expiration date on it. It took me 3.5weeks to get them the first time so I was pretty happy to find out that they were ready again for the second time in less than a week. But.... they spelled my name wrong. So I left a voicemail this morning letting them know that I needed it done a third time. Third time's a charm, right?!

I have been told that the Ethiopia program coordinator from our agency will be contacting me withing the next couple of days to go over anything else.

We are making progress!!!

Last textbook

2010-10-05T10:34:00.001-07:00

I bought what I believe will be my last book for school... ever. I thought you might like to see it. Yes, I am serious. My final case study for my oral exams is completely statistics oriented. I wanted to make sure that I did not make any basic mistakes. So I found a book that covers all the basics. :)

Who are you?

2010-09-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

I found a new feature of blogspot today. It is your history of pageviews. It even tells me where these people are from. I am so very curious as to who you all are. Don't worry, I purposely made my blog open to the public. I know that strangers can read this. I hope they/you do. I just wish I knew who you are! :)

622 US - this is easy
66 Canada - probably family?
39 Russia - my mom, anyone else?
13 Singapore - is that you Lynn?
5 China
4 Nicaragua
2 Brazil
2 Guam
1 Israel
1 Slovenia

You don't have to tell me who you are but I would so love to hear from you if you would!

I've thought about adopting but...

2010-09-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

When I tell people about our plans to adopt I often hear "i've thought about adoption but...". I do know that adoption is not for everyone but I so wish that everyone would think about it. I mean really think about it. There are 167 million orphans in the world. And everyone of them deserves a home. Everyone of them is loved by God. Have you ever thought about how much it must pain God that 167 million of his littlest children are without parents to love and protect them?

Is adoption expensive? Yes
Is adoption a lengthy process? Yes
Is adoption an intrusive process? Yes
Is adoption difficult? Yes Yes Yes
Is adoption intimidating? Yes
Should you be a responsible adult and think through the realities of adoption? Yes

Am I missing something? YES, we are talking about a child. A human being. Think about how much work your kids are or even a dear friend or sibling. (All relationships are work.) Can you imagine not having that person in your life because they are too much work? If your loved one needed an expensive life saving operation and years of therapy, would you hesitate for even a moment? So how is a child's life any different? Because you don't know them... yet.

Please think about adoption. It is not for everyone but it is for many.

If you know that adoption is not for you directly you can still support adoption. They say "it takes a village" and it really does when adopting. I was reading a blog about a woman who was describing all the ways that people had helped their family. (Every little bit counts, 9/24/10) She writes about the doctor in their town that donates 4 physical per month to adoptive parents (part of the paperwork process) and how anyone can give of their talents and/or time.

I thought about writing this for a while but then I thought "no, we don't need any help, i don't want to ask for handouts". My pride was stopping me. But I realized that the point is not needing help. The point is about people having the opportunity to be a part of something that is big. Really big. Many years ago we were able to help out one family with their adoption. I know without a doubt that God would have facilitated their adoption with or without our involvement. But we were privileged to be a part of it. I have their photo on my wall at work and every time I see it I remember them. Although they are on the other side of the world I feel so connected to them and know that I always will.

I don't say this with regards to us specifically. If you want to support adoption, just look around you. There are people adopting everywhere. I'm sure there is a way that you could help them. And I am sure that you would be blessed by that connection you would develop with them.

Rejected

2010-09-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the WA Secretary of State. Two of our documents got rejected for authentication. It seems that the notary our doctors' office used is not "valid". Her stamp does not include the expiration date. So they are authenticating all of our other 14 documents. Dang it, those were the two most difficult documents to get! I already called our doctors' and told that that I need new documents with a different notary. But this is why I started our dossier paperwork so early.

I have read in may other peoples' blogs about them having to re-do paperwork. I'm telling you; if you are thinking about adopting, reading blogs really helps you know what to expect. :) I have been trolling around reading one adoptive mother's blog and then looking at her friends' blogs and then looking at their friends' blogs and so on and so on for about a year now. That is part of why I wanted to do a blog myself. I so appreciated people being willing to be open and share their stories.

Grace like rain

2010-09-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why God made me the way he did. I feel like I have fire in my soul. If I'm not in the deep end, inches from drowning, I feel restless and inadequate. I run (figuratively, I wish literally) towards whatever has my attention. I joke that Josh just sits and watches me go running past in one direction and then off in another. He knows that eventually I will land.

I wish I could run in one direction forever. The fire inside me compels me. When I stop running I feel without conviction. And rarely do I feel like I have run far enough or hard enough. I wonder how a person could live without something worth running towards. But in my hast I often run like a bull let loose in the streets of Spain or like road runner (I so loved that cartoon) only I then feel like wylie coyote when I run face first into the side of the mountain.

Sometimes I wonder how Josh and I can live the same life together when he is so grounded and I am so restless. I feel a lack of peace with regards to why God made me the way he did. Or maybe he didn't make me this way. Maybe he made me to be a sweet and calm person and by some twist of history I changed. I do know that God gave me Josh for balance. :)

So often I anguish over the mistakes I have made. Why did I run in the wrong direction? Why did I not think before I spoke? Why did I not slow down long enough to see that my friend was hurting? I could have been a better friend. Why did I not think before I spoke... AGAIN?!?

I hope that someday I will be able to look back at my life and say "oh, so that's what God designed me for". I have to trust that there is a purpose. And I have to learn to channel my energy. That might be a life long lesson.

Today our pastor spoke about grace. As a christian I know that I am a sinner just like everyone else. But as a christian I know that I am a forgiven sinner. I am so thankful that God's forgiveness is not contingent on me achieving a certain level of goodness. Yes, God calls us to be good in response to his love and forgiveness. But oh how much trouble I would be in if God would not forgive me until I was only so good or if he would take away his forgiveness if my sins crossed an invisible line.

Our pastor defined grace as...
... the forgiveness of God, which we could never earn on our own.
... the goodness of God, when we deserve his judgement.

Hallelujah
Grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah
All my stains are washed away

Everything is in the hands of someone else.

2010-09-25T14:31:00.001-07:00

Well its out of our hands for the time being. All of our remaining documents are sent off to their respective secretary of state offices. The WA secretary of state website says that they usually take a week from when they get documents to send them back out again. Funny thing is that WA charges $15 per document while KS charges $7.50 per document for authentication and ND charged $10. So $15 x 16 documents meant enclosing a $240 check for WA. Why do we have to live in the most expensive state of the three? It's okay, we expected this. So at this point there is nothing for us to do.

We got our first draft of the homestudy on Thursday. It is a 12 page, single spaced, description of us. She had a couple blanks that she needed filled in. We were able to get it back to her this morning. So I expect that the final draft will be done soon.

Once the homestudy is done the immigration for goes off. I understand that takes about 2 months to get approved. The overall timeline of this is longer than I had once thought but I do know it will work out.

So, everything is the hands of someone else. You would think that would be a bad thing but it feels good to have our part done. This is a huge milestone in my mind.

Last night was my first class of fall quarter. I found our I have a first draft of my final case study due in 2.5 weeks. Yikes! And thus the blogging... the procrastination has returned!

Not sure what I expected...

2010-09-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

I've read so much about adoption and I'm sure I will read much more. One common theme is often referred to as "why grandma can't hold baby". The subject is about trying to explain to family and friends why they need to give you space to bond. The number of classes and books dedicated to this subject, often with that exact name or some version of it, made me very nervous about how our family and friends would react. Would they understand or would they pressure me to be "normal" even when I know that the emotions my kids are going through are not normal? There is nothing normal about getting a "new" mom and dad or about trying to determine if you are safe and loved using the logic of a child. I've talked about this before but I had no idea how many times I would have to explain before others would understand and respect our family's needs.

Last week a coworker asked me very carefully, 'I know you will need your time to bond but at some point will you...'. She let me know how excited she is for us. She was letting me know that she wanted to respect our needs but also looked forward to meeting our little guys and wanted to know if we would let her know when it was okay. So not to worry, we will certainly let you know when it is okay to meet them, hug them, hold them, etc. We have no idea when we will hit those milestones so we will have to all take it as it goes. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your openess and flexibility. The reaction that I have gotten from everyone has really put me at ease with regards to this.

I never expected anyone to discourage our adoption plans but I also never expected the reactions that I have gotten. I have been told "congratulations" so many times! The very first was one day early in the process when we went to someone at work to have a document notarized. Josh had already asked if she would do us this favor and so she already knew what was going on when I walked over. When I showed up at her desk she said "congratulations" so enthusiasticly that it took me by surprise. I expected people to be okay with us adopting. I even expected many to be encouraging. But I never expected this much support. It really has been so much fun! Thank you for that.

More light

2010-09-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

I can see more light at the end of the tunnel!

Today we completed re-doing our police clearence thingy. (We didn't ask to have it on letterhead the first time.) And our friends' reference letters have arrived. (THANK YOU Joe&Jamie, Erin, Drew&Erika!)

Now remaining:

Homestudy (This is the part that allows us to get on the waiting list.)
- Waiting for the social worker to complete her report. (I am trying to be patient but it is not my area of strength.)
- Once that is done our agency will send a form to the US government requesting permission for us to immigrate our kids.
- Once that form is approved we go on the waiting list.

Dossier (This is the part that has to be done before we can bring our kids home. So of course I want it done way in advance to make sure we don't run into any problems.)
- Send all of our documents to the secretary of state to get all of the notaries authenticated.
- Then send that all to the Ethiopian government.

Our to-do list is getting shorter!!!

Light at the end of the tunnel

2010-09-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

I think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've been thinking this for a little while but my theory is that if you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel you should give it just a little time to make sure it is not just another train coming. :)

The light I see is the end in sight to all of this adoption paperwork. Today both of our managers signed letters stating that really do have jobs and we really do make the salary that we said. I also finished prepping our remaining documents so that all we have to do is sign them in front of a notary.

There are 2 parts to adoption paperwork. Here is what we have left for each:

For the homestudy: (This is the US side of getting approved.)
- Wait for our homestudy to be completed. (We have done our part, just waiting for the social worker to complete her report.)
Then...
- Once the homestudy is done the agency sends an immigration form to the US government so that we can get pre-permission for our kids to immigrate.
- Once we get the immigration approval we go on the wait list to find our babies.

For the dossier: (This is the Ethiopian side of getting approved. You don't have to do a dossier if you adopt from the US but any international adoption requires it.) This part doesn't have to be done in order to get on the wait list but it does have to be done before we can go get our kids so of course I am doing it now.
- Redo 1 form from the police dept because we didn't ask to have it on letterhead the first time around. This was a time consuming the first time so a little painful to have to do again but not the end of the world.
- Wait for the postal service to deliver 2 reference letters that friends have done for us.
- Sign about 6 or 7 documents in front of a notary. (I have them all ready to go.)
- Send all of these prior listed documents to WA state to have all of the notaries authenticated (confirming that the notaries really are notaries).
- Send the one friend's reference letter to KS state to have that notary authenticated (confirming that her notary really is a notary in KS). All of this authenticating might sound crazy but in some states you have to have your documents authenticated by the county and then the state. And unless you were both born, married, work, and have all your friends in the same county you would then have to send to all of those different counties. So we have to count ourselves lucky to not be in one of these states.
- Send all of these documents to Ethiopia.

This might sound like alot left to do but if you look at my post back in May when I shared our "checklist" you can see that we have made some serious progress.

I have heard that the waiting list part is the most difficult. I hope that is not true because I have found the paperwork phase to be pretty stressful. I keep thinking that my kids are sitting all alone in an orphanage somewhere because I can't or won't move fast enough to go get them. I would like to think that once we have done our part I can feel some peace about that and know that once we are on the waitlist it is about us waiting for them and not them waiting for us.

I have plans that once our paperwork is done and once I have finished school in December, I will vent my energy on projects. Our house is plenty big enough for 2 of us but it will get alot smaller once we have 4+ people living here. So my idea is that if I do projects to make efficient use of our space we will feel more comfortable. Installing extra shelves in some closets, cleaning out junk, etc.

I guess I am never happy unless I am tackling something big but I am pretty excited to finally see some light at the end of this tunnel.

Lord, please take care of my babies today.

2010-09-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Lord, please take care of my babies today.
As I go to sleep they will likely be waking up.
Please protect their little bodies.
Protect their little minds.
Protect their little hearts.
Give them someone to hug them today.
Someone to love them today.
Kind words today.
Watch over them.
I don't know their faces, but you can see them.
I don't know their hearts, but you have know them from their first days.
Please God, protect my babies today.
I don't know if they are okay. I can't see them.
If they are hurt. I can't hear them.
If they are lonely. I can't be with them.
Somehow, someway, please give their little hearts peace.
Peace in knowing, somehow, someway, that we are coming for them.
Knowing they will not be without a mommy and daddy forever.
And when the time is right, please help us to find them.
Please lead us to the children you already know to be ours.
Please prepare us. Prepare our hearts.
Prepare our lives for all the change you have in store for us.
Lord, please take care of my babies today.

Books and Backpacks

2010-08-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

As I shared before, we now own 8 backpacks... 5 for our kids-to-be. Everywhere I go I see stuff for our kids. I am resisting buying because it is so hard when you don't know their ages, boy/girl, or even how many kids. (We are planning for 2 siblings but are willing to consider a sibling group up to 4.) From the time that we know who are kids are we will have about 2 weeks before going to Ethiopia for court and then another 2-6 weeks before the final trip to go pick them up. So this will leave plenty of time for me to go into planning over drive. Oh Josh hasn't seen nothing yet! Look out!

One thing I had been hoping to acquire at some point was children's books. I look forward to us reading with them all the time. A few months ago we fell into learning that our nieces and nephew love story time before bed. I'm not sure what prompted us but one night of babysitting, we offered them that if they wanted to get ready for bed early we would do an extra long story time with them. We gave them the choice and they jumped at it. So I am looking forward to the same special time with our kids.

Yesterday Josh's parents gave us a gift. I pealed off the wrapping paper and right away I saw that it was the back of a book where they list all the other books in the series. I could see that it was the Berenstain Bears. I love those books and I just know that our kids will love them too. I was telling a friend at work about this and she so generously offered me some books that her daughter has out grown.

We have enjoyed so much support. The books are great but the love that comes with them is even better.

Exhausted

2010-08-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like I owe an update as I know so many people were praying for us and that our home study visit from the social worker this past Tuesday would go well.

The social worker came to our house after work and did her thing. She was perfectly nice and I know she was just doing her job. But after 4.5 hours I was exhausted! I felt very under a microscope, exposed. I know that the point of this whole process is to protect the children. And I know that when you become a parent, your life becomes about your children. But that doesn't stop me from having feelings of my own. It is so difficult for me to admit that I was discouraged because I would never want to discourage anyone else from adopting.

After weeks of preparing documents for the home study, a weekend of adoption classes, a full evening of home study visit, and knowing that we still have the dossier documents to go... I am exhausted. I know in my mind that I still want to adopt. I have wanted do so for 13 years. But this process will definitely test your resolve.

Once we complete the home study (which is mostly in the social worker's hands now, except for a few more minor documents that we need to do) and complete the dossier (about 10-14 documents, they go to the Ethiopian government explaining why they should consider us for adoption) which we are just starting, then we go on the wait list. I would say about 1-2 months before we get ourselves on the wait list.

So the process continues...

Feeding the monster

2010-08-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Josh has been feeding the monster in me.

The other day I decided that I need to buy backpacks while they are on sale. The idea was that I would bring them with us to Ethiopia so that our kids could have them for carry-ons for the flight home and so that they could just carry around whatever is precious to them on all the other days. I thought that in the midst of so much change and so many unknowns, having a few things that are important to them near by at all times might serve as a sort of security blanket for them.

I also decided I should buy school supplies while they are on sale just in case we bring home school age kids before the end of this school year. I talked with my sister-in-law and asked her to send me a list of what she suggests considering we won't know our kids ages for a while.

So off to WalMart I went. I bought tons of glue sticks. According to my sister-in-law, kids just love gluing stuff together. I bought crayons, markers, folders, paper, pencils, etc, etc. But then came the backpacks. Do I buy girl backpacks or boy backpacks? Do I buy little ones (for preschoolers) or regular ones? After a VERY long time debating, I bought 2 neutral regular size ones and 1 little one.

I came home, with $80 of school supplies in tow (and 2 mini etch-a-sketches for our kids to have for the plane ride home), and told Josh my dilemma as to what backpacks to buy. His answer: Buy one for every possibility and we will just donate what we don't use. So now we own 5 backpacks. (In addition to the 3 that we already own for ourselves. My school backpack. His laptop backpack. And our backpack for summer outings in the sun that stays stocked with sunscreen and such.)

Josh really should know better than to feed this monster in me!

Becoming one of them

2010-08-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

For years I have listened to women who would talk endlessly about their kids. I would think to myself "you do know that there is an entire world out there that has nothing to do with your kids". And now... I have become one of them! Here I am going on and on about kids we don't even have yet as if there was nothing else at all going on around me.

So I apologize. Adoption has long been a passion of mine. And now, as we move forward towards that day, I fear that I will get more and more obnoxious with every day. I already think about it constantly. With everything we do, I think "what will it be like the first time we do this with our kids". With every kid I see, I think "soon my kids will be home". As I look around my house, I think "that will be a good place for our first family photo and we will need to add shelves to this closet to fit more kiddy clothes and this glass coffee table probably won't be a good idea anymore if we have a toddler".

The otherday I was at Costco and saw the cutest snuggly kids' pjs for winter time. Oh how I wished that I knew who are kids are so that I could pick out their pjs. As a very poor substitute I resigned myself to slowly touching every stack of them as I passed by. I think I've lost my mind... but then again maybe its always been gone...

Time to clean!

2010-08-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

We have finished the majority of our paperwork. (I showed you the list of questions in that prior post). This Tuesday the social worker is coming for her visit. It is common that people think the social worker visit is just about making sure our house is good enough. That is actually just a tiny part of it. Sure, she will take a quick look around to make sure that our home is adequate but not much more than that. The primary reason for her visit is to talk with us and make sure we are prepared and really know what we are getting into. Naturally they don't want us freaking out first thing when we get our kids home.

After the home study visit we need to complete our dossier. This is all the legal paperwork that goes to the Ethiopian government. They will review our dossier and decide if they are willing to let us adopt from their country. Once this is complete we then go on the waiting list. This is the scary part for me because I don't wait well.

So while the social worker visit on Tuesday is not about how clean our house is, we have some MAJOR cleaning to do! For the past 8 weeks I have been at school 2 nights a week and doing homework the rest of the week. That in addition to summer fun has not left much time for cleaning and our house is a pit! Besides, I have to take advantage of the excuse to give Josh extra chores to do. :) He has already swept the garage, did a little weeding, emptied the vacuum cleaner, and done tons of laundry. And its just after noon! Maybe I should arrange for the social worker to come every week...

Home sweet home

2010-08-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

Home sweet home. We are home after a whirlwind weekend of adoption classes, baseball games, and my grandma's 90th birthday party. We drive 5 hours to get home and what is the first thing we do? Drop our stuff as we walk in the door and turn on our computers!

Our adoption classes were good but for every question they answered I thought of 3 more. It was a little overwhelming. I think if any parent was forced to think about all of parenting prior to conception they would be overwhelmed too. And here we are, planning to go from just the two of us to four of us and the little ones will be walking and talking already expecting us to know what we are doing. It is the 'expecting us to know what we are doing' part that makes me nervous. Thankfully we have some time between now and then as we have alot more research and planning to do.

How did the naming thing go? Not so great. It turns out that 25,000 names means AT LEAST 20,000 ridiculous names. We'll keep working on that.

Well this is finals week for me so I probably won't be writting much between now and Thursday night as I really have no time left for procrastination. Well, except for tonight that is.

Baby Names

2010-08-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was reading the blog of a woman who adopted from Ethiopia. She mentioned that they picked out their kids' names a year prior to ever knowing them. Immediately I decided that was something that I wanted to do. It makes sense. Pregnant women get to name their babies before they ever meet them. I want to be able to pray for them by name. Now you might be wonder, if we adopt older kids who already know their given name, what about that name? Its pretty common for people to pick a name and give that to their adopted child as their middle name or move their given name to middle and give them a new first name. The idea is that they still get to keep their identity but also have a more common name that they can choose to use here in the states.

I picked out two names. One boy name and one name that has a girl and a boy version. I think we will either end up with two boys or a boy and a girl but it seems unlikely that we will adopt two girls. You see there are more requests for girls. I heard once that the theory is that women often are the one in the family driving the desire to adopt and often they want a girl to round out their family. We don't really care boy or girl so it seems unlikely that we would end up with two girls. Back to the naming. So I picked out two names but Josh didn't love them so I asked him to pick out a couple. For days I asked him if he had any names yet. Finally he told me that he needs a book of names to look at. Ask and you shall receive!

I was on the hunt for a baby name book. My coworkers told me that you can often find little mini-magazine versions near the checkout at the grocery store. I looked at a few places and didn't find anything. So I looked at WalMart. Sure enough they had one. They seem to have one of everything. The name of the book.... one hundred THOUSAND baby names!!! Jippers! I bought it because it is the only one I found but just looking at it made me sick to my stomach. It was easily the size of my textbooks. So I decided to try Barnes and Noble to see what they might have. This time only twenty five thousand baby names. Still alot but much better. So I bought that one and will return the other one.

This weekend we have a 4.5 hour drive over the mountains and then back again. That is 9 hours in which I will have a captive audience. I am resolved that we will have names picked out before we return on Sunday!