Today we went to church and almost immediately I started crying again. I'm telling you, this crying in public this is getting really old. As the church began to sing I just stood and read the words:
Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you
Lead me, lead me to the cross
I've been talking with God alot this weeknd...
How many times I have I sung this before?
Bring me to my knees.... Fine, I'm on my knees.
Ok! I admit it! I didn't mean it!
I didn't actually want to be brought to my knees!
I didn't mean it!
These words felt so loud in my head I actually expect those around me to turn and look at me.
Why is this so difficult? I am trying to do the right thing!
How could you dangle that carrot in front of me and then take half of it away!?!
Why would you let me fall in love with their little faces?
I want your blessings but I still want control! How can I let go?
It's too much to ask...
It made me realize something. After being disappointed just one time I am ready to build a wall around my heart, to not get too attached. One of the most difficult parts of bringing home older adopted children is getting them to let down their gaurd. They have been disappointed and let down so many times that they are in survival mode. Not only trying to survive with food and shelter but also trying to protect their little hearts. After just one heartbreak I am skidish. How much harder will it be for them? How long will it take for them to feel safe? To believe that it is true and not going to get yanked away?
I have no idea how we are going to navigate the road ahead. Yes, I know: God has a plan. But do you know how hard it is to follow Gods plan when you have to make big decisions along with way? Please pray that we will be able to make the right decisions, that we will be able to hear God's voice, and of course please pray for our children-to-be.