I just came across this. I wrote it just over a year ago. I never posted this. Please don't read a tone of anger into it. I was trying to communicate that I was hurting more than I ever knew possible. So much has happened since then. What a journey this has been and continues to be.
Written on January 19th, 2012.
I have heard that if you are ever trying to rescue a drowning adult, that you need to wait until the person stops thrashing and truly begins to drown, otherwise they will fight you and take you down also. (Please don't take actual water safety advise from this blog. NOT smart!) Over the past 3 months, I have often felt the sensation of drowning. The thing is, I haven't had the energy, strength, time, or presence of mind to thrash around. The feeling of sinking. The feeling of suffocating. While my body was standing, my soul was on its knees. I could physically feel it. I have no idea how to describe it and I suspect that you don't understand because I certainly would not have understood a year ago. And this is when you rely on God. You rely on God like he is standing right next to you in person. I have no idea how people do this without a faith in God. I'm not saying that non-Christians can't handle adoption. I'm just saying that I have no idea how they find the strength to do so.
So many people have helped us out and I don't know what we would have done without it. So many people have offered to help more. It's so difficult to know what to ask for. So many things just have to be handled by us. Our life has been in fast forward. In the "normal" world, at the 3 month mark we would have ONE baby who is just learning to roll over and recognize our faces. At our 3 month mark we are learning how to put dishes in the dishwasher x4, entering into a phase of trust that is very different than before, learning how to fold clothes, learning how to zip up coats, explaining snow-appropriate clothing, developing a bedtime routine, developing a bath routine, explaining what we use tissues for and what we don't and how many to use and where to keep them and on and on...
Yes, you taught your kids to tie their shoes, I know, every parent does. But did you teach them just two days after putting their foot into a closed shoe for the first time? And did they understand the language that you were speaking? When you took your baby in for her first immunizations, did you have to fully lay across her chest while another nurse held her legs down in order to keep her still so that a second nurse could administer 8 different shots? Did she scream like you had betrayed what little trust you had earned? Did she pull away from you afterwards? Did that moment do true and lasting damage to your relationship? Did you then proceed to do the same thing 3 more times? Did you sit on the couch and sob for an hour afterwards? Yes, all parenting is difficult. But when you go "traditional", at least you get to take things one step at a time as opposed to all at once. Please don't tell me that this is normal. I might be new at this but I know that it's not.
I'm sorry, many people do understand, and many people don't.