Adoption involves so many joys, so many frustrations, so many hopes, and so many tears. Some people who blog about their adoption choose to focus on the positive. They are still telling the true story but they choose to primarily tell the high points. And I can totally understand why.
So here is my question: How much to share? I'm not talking about privacy. I won't be sharing my children's every personal detail; I know better than that. But during this process, how much is too much information?
I don't want to scare people away from adoption but in a way I sometimes feel that by sharing more it might actually encourage adoption, that a person might feel like they actually know what is involved and be encouraged by feeling like they can handle that.
So what do you think? You can post a comment, reply on facebook, email, whatever works. Keep in mind that while I am inviting opinion, I am not inviting judgement (judgement of what I write or of what other people write). But I do want to hear what is helpful and/or interesting.
I will say that I do a bit of both. I think families that share the hard things are doing everyone who comes after them a huge favor. I believe without the honest blogs I read before I brought Mihiret home I would have felt very alone. I knew that others had successfully navigated their way through the same things and that I had others I could talk to who would understand. Most of the time I share the good and on occasion I share the harder things. It has worked for us and I am sure you will find what works for you and your kids : )
ReplyDeleteFor some reason if you tell women the horrors of labor, women still seem to have babies. I think that adoption just like concieving and birthing biological babies is a calling of the heart. And niether are for the faint of heart. The people who want to adopt will appreciate your honesty and those who do not will appreciate your perserverance and dedication to bring your children home.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with what Cindy wrote. At the time when we were in the paperwork and waiting process, I didn't understand the people who didn't just sing praises about their adoption, but shared the very difficult things that come along with it. But after being home with Taye and Seri for a while, I was so appreciative of those conversations. Nothing comes without it's struggles, but of course those become fewer and farther between over time. I tend to share most of the positive, but there are times when I'll share something more personal that's been a struggle, just because I know there's someone out there who might need to know others struggle too. :)
ReplyDelete"I am just having a tough time right now being excited about adoption, blogging, or the reality of life after seeing how it's affected our whole family negatively after adopting my sister when she was two, watching my best friend go through hell the last three years and living with a bipolar, schizo, mental foster sister. It was all fun and games until the kids are about 12. Attachment disorders are serious. You don't think that it could wreck your marriage, seriously impact the other children in your house, dream of your son or daughter being arrested in your kitchen, having to lock up all the scissors, knives, nail clippers, tools, silverware, pills, sharp objects, laundry soap, bleach, BIC pens, foil, in your home...including light bulbs or checking your son into a mental ward. Seriously, I am just not seeing these things happening on blogs I read, no matter how real they are. I think that families go so blindly into adpotion and even though they think they've read alot of blogs, talked to zillions of people who have been there, prayed through every step, feel God's call...you never know what kind of kids you're going to get. You never dream that this idea you have of adoption could or would lead to a failed adoption or displacement of one of the kids from your "sibling group". You never dream of your son using Heroin, and having a serious addiction and spending thousands of dollars on useless therapy and rehab only for him to relapse. You never dream of having to come up with $5500 a MONTH to send your son to a boys ranch b/c he's a harm to the other kids in the household. Yes! God does call us to take care of widows and oprhans! He does indeed!!! But, have you asked yourself any of those questions? Because they're real things that happen! Are all adoptions bad? No way! Would it be wise to just go one or two kids at a time? Yes. Blogs are great for sharing wonderful, beautiful things about or families. But how often are you going to find a post that says "adoption is wrecking my marriage". "so and so is better of dead b/c of her predisposed addiction to meth and no other kids should be brought into this world who are predisposed to that kind of addiction." You're just not going o see that kind of information. It's too real, blunt and no one wants to hear it, and the next thing you know, you'll be on the 5 o'clock news because you had to lock your kid in her room for a week and you said on your blog that you don't care if you ever saw your son or daughter again and you mean it!"
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty Amy. No one wants to talk about their negative feelings for fear of being judged. And those are real risks. Our homestudy agency did a really good job of hitting home the realities. I can honestly say that we know the risks involved. At times it is very scary. Obviously not everything can be shared in so public a forum as a blog but I do want to be as open and honest as I can be, within reason and without betraying the privacy of my children. But there are message boards where adoptive and in-process parents can talk openly and get more personal knowing that the exchange of information is not just for entertainment purposes but to really prepare, support, and encourage eachother. We are already signed up for multiple and find them very helpful.
ReplyDeleteMy friend Dorota asked me to read your most recent post and asked if we had similar issues with our 4 girls. :)
ReplyDeleteShe said she worked with your mama awhile back.
I too blog and it is a fine line of what to reveal and what not to reveal. However, my girls being older, I have asked permission to blog about something I find important to share. They have been very good about giving permission. If they don't, I don't.
Honesty is so important in adoption. Otherwise, those who come after will be in shock.
LOL
However, there are those who throw all their children's issues out for all to see with no hope, and then wallow themselves in pity, and that is wrong.
I don't get that feel from what you have revealed. It seems you are trying to be honest and invite others to peer in now and again on your journey to become a family and to bring your children to healthy healing.
I try to put myself in my kids shoes too.... in 30 years, would I want this information out?
So some is revealed and some not.
Blog on! :)