I often wonder why God made me the way he did. I feel like I have fire in my soul. If I'm not in the deep end, inches from drowning, I feel restless and inadequate. I run (figuratively, I wish literally) towards whatever has my attention. I joke that Josh just sits and watches me go running past in one direction and then off in another. He knows that eventually I will land.
I wish I could run in one direction forever. The fire inside me compels me. When I stop running I feel without conviction. And rarely do I feel like I have run far enough or hard enough. I wonder how a person could live without something worth running towards. But in my hast I often run like a bull let loose in the streets of Spain or like road runner (I so loved that cartoon) only I then feel like wylie coyote when I run face first into the side of the mountain.
Sometimes I wonder how Josh and I can live the same life together when he is so grounded and I am so restless. I feel a lack of peace with regards to why God made me the way he did. Or maybe he didn't make me this way. Maybe he made me to be a sweet and calm person and by some twist of history I changed. I do know that God gave me Josh for balance. :)
So often I anguish over the mistakes I have made. Why did I run in the wrong direction? Why did I not think before I spoke? Why did I not slow down long enough to see that my friend was hurting? I could have been a better friend. Why did I not think before I spoke... AGAIN?!?
I hope that someday I will be able to look back at my life and say "oh, so that's what God designed me for". I have to trust that there is a purpose. And I have to learn to channel my energy. That might be a life long lesson.
Today our pastor spoke about grace. As a christian I know that I am a sinner just like everyone else. But as a christian I know that I am a forgiven sinner. I am so thankful that God's forgiveness is not contingent on me achieving a certain level of goodness. Yes, God calls us to be good in response to his love and forgiveness. But oh how much trouble I would be in if God would not forgive me until I was only so good or if he would take away his forgiveness if my sins crossed an invisible line.
Our pastor defined grace as...
... the forgiveness of God, which we could never earn on our own.
... the goodness of God, when we deserve his judgement.
Grace like rain falls down on me
All my stains are washed away