Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I thought I was better than that

So I am going to be really honest about something. You might be offended and for that I will apologize now. And you might think less of me for this but I am going to admit it anyways.

When we started the adoption process last May, I had done years of research already. I knew about the facts. I had read hundreds of blogs and knew about the emotional roller coaster. I knew that everyone out there has found the process difficult, expensive, and emotionally painful. I knew that the waiting can be torturous.

So here is the part that you aren't going to like: I thought I was better than all that.

I thought that because we chose to adopt from the beginning, without ever trying for the pregnancy route, that I would be immune from the emotional roller coaster. I chose this route, right? I'm not desperate for a baby, any baby, a baby right now. (This is where I fear that I might have offended you. I truly do apologize.) I didn't think I would yearn for my babies the way that I do. I didn't think that the waiting would bother me. I never expected the weird random moments when the thoughts of my children are right in front of me and I start crying in the grocery store.

In fact, I didn't think that we would wait long because our request is rather open. (We had our homestudy written for boy or girl and up to age 12.) Little did I know that we would then feel God leading us to look for a sibling group of FOUR children. Basically the very least common request possible! I believe that this is what God has planned for us. And maybe at some point we will feel lead in a different direction but until then we are committed to sticking with it. But I have to admit, it is so difficult. I really want to see our kids on the horizon. Its not really the timing that is difficult. If I knew that it would take another year and at that time our kids would appear, I would be totally okay with it. But right now, finding them at all feels so impossible. Yes, I know that if it is God's plan that of course He will see it through. On a daily basis I am having to make the choice to continue to act upon what I believe to be true even when my faith is so shaky. By the way I have asked God for a lightning bolt if He wants to lead us in a different direction. I think it's a fair request, don't you?

I don't think I ever admitted it out loud or even to myself but I actually thought I was better than all the trials and tribulations that everyone else goes through. I thought I was better than that. And I was wrong, completely wrong.

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