Is this a test?

You know you should never pray for patience, because you might just get it. And the lesson is just not much fun.

Today must have been a lesson, a test. Yesterday I told you that my glass was not half full, that it is full. Yah, well today was a test of that statement. Nothing bad happened. No catastrophy, just a pure and simple test. Sometimes the little things seem to be the most difficult tests.

I cut my toe... am I still so happy I can walk?
My tummy hurts... am I still so thankful for the food that made it rumble?
Work was work... do I still appreciate my job?
I had a doctor appointment... am I thankful for the medicine or am I bitter that I need it?

Nothing was horrible. Nothing really even worth mentioning. But somehow it still feels worth complaining about. Just one of those days when you want to go to bed and start over again tomorrow. My glass is still full... it will only be less if I choose to allow it to be... why does that seem so difficult? All I have to do is remember how much I have... remember that my blessings are more than I deserve. Only God could bless someone who so quickly forgets the source of those blessings or even what those blessings are at all.

Half full or half empty?

Work was so busy today... I have a job.
My husband is working late tonight... He is a hard worker.
The electric bill was so high this month... We have heat (or AC this time of year).
My husband snored last night... He was by my side.
My car is old... I have a car.
I hate going to the dentist... I would hate not going to the dentist more.
The car needs new tires... I can afford them.
My parents are so far away... They are faithful to God to live where He has sent them.
I have to make dinner... I have food to eat.
I don't know what to wear... I have too many choices.
I am 30 and still doing homework... I have (or will have) an advanced education.
The sun is up way too early... The sun is shining.
I am tired... I have a warm bed to sleep in.
I need to vacuum... I have a home.
My feet hurt... I can walk.
My kitchen is a mess... Because I was too busy having fun to clean it.
I wish it was the weekend... I get to rest twice every seven days.
I don't have children yet... I have so much to look forward to.

My glass is not half full. It is full... and running over.

11 years ago today

11 years ago today I walked down the aisle. It was the smartest thing I ever did. It changed the rest of my life.

If you don't know my husband, let me tell you a little about him. He is patient, so patient. He supports me in everything I do. He does extra housework to give me time to go to school or do my homework. He has done all of our laundry for 11 years and I don't think I ever heard him complain once. (Except for when I do the laundry and ruin things! :)) He encourages me to spend time with my friends, to go out and have fun. Adoption wasn't his dream, it was mine, but he loves me enough to share my dream. He is slow to anger. He doesn't even get aggitated easily. And if you know me, you know I was very blessed to find someone who could balance me out in this area! I can trust him with my heart. He does all of our finances and is so careful to take care of me in this way. He always insures that our needs will be meet if there is anything he can do about it. He is responsible and does his job well. He is kind to all people, everywhere, at all times. He is a man that I am proud to call my husband.

I look forward to many more years with my love, my sweetheart, and my partner in life. I am so blessed.

Healthy fear?

So many questions. So many fears. Am I scared? Yes. Wouldn't you be? I'm scared that my kids aren't safe. I'm scared that my kids are alone. Do they believe that adults can be trusted? What about by the time we get there? Will they ever trust again? Its not possible for a child to come through an adoption without scars. (Other than an infant adoption, that's a very different situation where the child has the blessing of never being without a loveing home.) How many scars? How deep? Will they ever heal? I know the reality. I know that there are no promises. I'm scared. Scared for me, scared for them, scared for my marriage. Do I have that kind of strength? Do we? Will I know what to do? When is a cry just a cry and when is it so much more? If you are a biological parent, would you be scared if you knew then what you know now about being a parent? Is it different for us? Or do we just have a better idea of what might be to come. Should every parent-to-be feel at least some fear? Is this similar to the fear that a mother feels if the doctor pauses when he looks at the ultrasound? When she prays desperately for months for the health of her baby? Sometimes I think about the day I walked down the aisle. I would never take that day back, but I had no idea what I was getting into. I was so naive. My understanding only skimmed the depths of the experience that is marriage. So what then is parenting? What then is parenting a hurt little boy or girl? I'm scared. I know this is our path. But the answer is yes.


A person could read these articles and be scared out of ever considering adoption. I hope that articles like this will instead serve to make us more aware as we go into this.

www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1981872,00.html
www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1997439,00.html

A broken world

This world is broken in so many ways. I doubt many people would disagree with me on that. I don't believe that God ever planned for children to be without parents, without people who love them, without comfort and joy. I don't believe that God ever planned for couples to go through the pain anguish of infertility. There are so many things in this world that God did not plan on. I believe he created everything and everyone around us, but I believe it is broken. We broke it.

But God blesses many things that come from this brokenness. Namely, adoption. If God did not design the world for children to be without parents and if he did not design the heartache of infertility then he did not design adoption. It wasn't his perfect plan. Let's face it, in a perfect world no one would need adopting. But this world is so far from perfect. How amazing is it that God would design a perfect world, only for us to break it, and then he would find ways to bless us in putting those broken pieces back together again. I have no doubt in the joy that awaits us. I'm not delusional, I know kids are alot of work... why do you think we waited 11 years?! But I so look forward to the coming year. This is such an exciting time for us.

Not too productive this week

So apparently writing blog posts is most enticing when avoiding homework. I thought I would do all kinds of writing during this week of freedom from school but obviously that has not paned out. But not to worry, summer quarter starts this coming Wednesday and I am sure the motivation to procrastinate will return. I was never a big procrastinator before grad school. I have concluded that this is what I have learned from the MBA program... the true art of procrastination. I have been loving this time without any deadlines. In fact I have managed to avoid most other things like chores too. It has been a very lazy week for me. And I love it!

Many people have asked about how our paperwork process is going. Well it's not exactly going. We had previously planned on waiting until August to start the process when school would be less demanding for me and I would have more time. But Josh agreed to do the majority of the paperwork in order for us to get things rolling now. However baseball, basketball, and world cup soccer have interfered. Today Josh informed me that he would be far more likely to get things going if it was all printed out and he could write out the answers (while watching sports of course). I can't imagine. I would do anything to avoid writing by hand if typing is an option. I absolutely hate essay exams because of course they won't let you use your computer and by the end my hand feels like it might fall off. But pen and paper is Josh's preference and who am I to stand in his way. I am just happy to hear that there is a way I can facilitate keeping things moving. I am so thankful that he is willing to do so much. The goal is to finish the paperwork by early August. I'm sure it will all work out. But I will feel much better when our part is done.

12 Days of Freedom

If you haven't figured it out, the past week has been finals week. Tonight I bought my textbooks for next quarter. With that I have no schoolwork for the next 12 days. 12 whole days of freedom. 2 Weekends without any papers to write, books to read, or equations to solve. I have just 3 classes left, 2 quarters to go. In 6 months I will be truly free. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Fingerprints

Today we got fingerprinted for our FBI criminal history clearences. Tomorrow I will take them down to FedEx and ship them off to the FBI so they can make sure that we are not secret wackos. One step down, many to go.

So I left a few things off of my earlier homestudy checklist. Here is the real deal:

x Child abuse and neglect registry clearance forms
x FBI criminal history clearances
_ Signed Agreement for Adoption Services
_ Parenting Resource Plan
x Release of Information Form
_ Applicant 1 Autobiography and Assignments
_ Applicant 2 Autobiography and Assignments
x Applicant 1 Medical
_ Applicant 2 Medical
_ Financial Statement
_ Certification of Net Worth
_ Family Health Insurance Form
_ 4 References
_ Guardianship Form
_ Social Worker and Family Education Verification
_ Applicant 1 Copy of Birth Certificate
_ Applicant 2 Copy of Birth Certificate
_ Copy of Marriage Certificate
_ Copy of tax forms (for the past two years)
_ Copies of Current Passports